


Desires And Reality

by BlueOrbit



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Changki Bingo, Falling In Love, HyungHyuk - Freeform, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Mild Smut, Sugar Daddy, Unrequited Love, changki rise, help changkyun, or should I say ex sugar daddy?, possible, sugar daddy kihyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2019-11-08 05:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueOrbit/pseuds/BlueOrbit
Summary: Changkyun returns to Korea after two years and finds out his boyfriend's new boss is his ex sugar daddy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my Changkinators!! I wanted to try out a sugar daddy au, actually this wasn't the concept in my mind but anyway I wanted to go with this because I may like jealousy. I hope you like it too. I'm planning to have 5 chapters but of course it's upto you. Let me know what do you think and I guess that's it.  
> Have fun !!

“Yeah I’ve landed. No no it’s been like 5 minutes. Okay Jae, I’m waiting. Drive safe. ”Changkyun listens the voice in the phone saying “I love you” before he says “Okay see you.” and hangs up the phone, locking and putting it in his pocket. He takes his suitcase from suitcase area and decides to wait in a cafeteria nearby. Cafeteria looks small and cozy, not many people sits inside and he finds a table at the corner where he can be excluded from anyone else. He places his backpack and suitcase before the waiter comes to take his order which is usual plain coffee. Changkyun listens the announcement coming from everywhere while he sips his bitter coffee. He used to like it with milk and sugar but that part of him died at somewhere along with every cute behaviour he once possessed.

He checks his watch and it’s been an hour since his plane landed but he needed some time to get used to the idea of being “back.” It’s been 2 years since he left Korea with a broken heart and one hour since he got back but every fiber of his being screams at him to find another ticket to America and leave this place without going further.

It’s weird how people attach places to the people and can’t get rid of the idea of that person when they are not together anymore. You love a place because you love the person you are spending time with there and you hate a place to the guts because you can’t let go that person even if you want to. That’s why Changkyun never sat foot in Korea for 2 years after he left by accepting his professor’s student exchange offer. Benefits of being one of the top students in the class.

Changkyun still remembers the day he decided to take the offer his professor did, packed his thing in 5 minutes-which they weren’t much because most of the things were bought by _him_ anyway- bought a plane ticket and all that happened while tears roll down from his eyes. At the airport the lady behind the counter asked him what happened, if someone hurt him but how could he reply that really? Yes someone hurt him but he didn’t want to get hurt, he wasn’t meant to get hurt but everything went sideways because Changkyun was a kid. It was a childish thing what Changkyun did and it will remain childish since he can’t take back the time.

He wonders if that lady still works here.

His phone rings in a familiar melody and he shoves his thought at the back of his head, knowing they will resurface at some point again.

He puts on his headphones and answers the video call with a smile. Two black haired head pop up on his screen, one with a big smile that can make sun jealous and the other is just Hyungwon.

“Hi hyungs…” Changkyun says, his smile gets bigger.

“Changkyunnie!!!!! Welcome back!!” The elder- Minhyuk yells at the phone and Changkyun regrets to put his headphones on. For his luck, Hyungwon covers his boyfriend’s mouth with his hands before he can go higher. “Kyunnie welcome back.” He says with a mumbling Minhyuk next to him.

“Thank you hyung. I think you can let go or he will-“

_“Ouch!!”_

“-bite your hand.”

Changkyun chuckles at the couple, Minhyuk turns to the phone like nothing happened and Hyungwon shakes his hand with a hurt face.

“Oh you changed your hair color! It’s blonde now. You look so cute.” Minhyuk coos and Changkyun ruffles his hair with his hands to show him.

“So is there anyone coming to get you or should we hop on a taxi?”

“Seriously hyung you need to get a car.”

“If Minhyuk gets a driver’s licence one day.”

“It’s not my fault that they put that signs there.”

“That signs are there for a reason baby.”

Same old same old, Minhyuk and Hyungwon are that domestic couple they have always been.

“Okay guys thank you for the offer but Jae is coming to get me.” Changkyun interferes their traffic talk and they drop the subject.

“Your boyfriend? Okay cool. So we will meet with him finally?” Minhyuk throws his arm over his boyfriend’s shoulders and pulls him close.

“Yeah yeah why not?” Changkyun nods shrugging his shoulders. They never met, at least not face to face because Changkyun was in America and Jae came some time to time but Minhyuk and Hyungwon were always in Korea. And it’s not that important actually. They will meet one day.

“So where is he living? What is he doing? And are you gonna stay with him? Because Changkyun 9 months is not that long to start living with a person-” Hyungwon leans through the camera and Changkyun thinks for a second before he answers and he just shrugs again.

“I never asked honestly. I didn’t care. And of course I’m not gonna live with him hyung he’ll drop me to Jooheon hyung’s house but he said he wanted have dinner first.” Changkyun rolls his eyes. His friends are only 3 years older but they never stop babying him.

“You know him for 9 months Changkyun but you don’t know what he is doing? What if he is some kind of a mobb? He can harvest your kidneys to buy drugs to his gang.” Minhyuk waves his hands in front of the camera with a worried face.

“I know his name is Jae and he is 4 years older than me. He studied economics, remember we met while he was doing his masters and he is kinda rich so I don’t think he needs my organs.” Changkyun says one by one and laughs after it.

“But Kyun—“

“And he is here so I’ll see you guys later.”Changkyun winks at them quickly and hangs up the phone. A tall, black haired man comes to him with a little quick feet and hugs Changkyun real tight when he comes next to him. Changkyun wraps his arms around him and returns his hug.

“Hey we are not in America, behave.” Changkyun laughs and breaks the hug when it takes a little longer than it should. His boyfriend- Jae holds his arms with a big smile on his face.

“Welcome back love. I missed you.” Changkyun smiles in return as Jae takes Changkyun’s suitcase and hooks his arms to his and pulls the younger with him.

“What’s up with the suit?” Changkyun asks as they walk to Jae’s car which turns to be an Audi, a high class one. Jae wears a navy suit with a maroon tie and looks really fancy and probably costs 3 times more than Changkyun’s rent back in America.

“Do you remember I told you about my father’s company wasn’t doing so well and we were thinking about selling it?” Jae puts the suitcase in the bag and they sit in the car. Changkyun puts his belt on and reaches to open music. When he hears the song his lips forms a smile. It’s weird for him to hear his own language in the car after living in America for 2 years. He love listening music in the car when he is driving, watching people, doing sex. Okay scratch last part because that didn’t happened in a long time. Anyway he kinda missed this.

“Love?” Changkyun turns and looks at Jae then remembers what they were talking and he nods.

“Yeah you mentioned that 3 weeks ago?”

“Two weeks but yeah. So after that my father sold the company and one of the biggest companies in the country bought it. The head of the company let everyone keep their job and financed the workers which is odd because normally when you buy a company you make it your own by firing people and hire new ones. That’s how things work.”

“That old president seems like a wise and nice man.” Changkyun opens the window a little and let the cold breeze hit his face. It’s chilling and refreshing, his skin feels icy and Changkyun kinda feels alive.

“He is very nice and wise but he is not that old. A year younger than me if you believe. Anyway I have a meeting with him. After I drop you home I’ll be out for 2 hours love.” Jae says, eyes on road. Changkyun hums in response and rests his head to the back. He feels so tired and sleepy after all those hours of flying so rest of the journey Changkyun just listens the soft music playing on the radio and watches the buildings they pass. The city looks just the same. Same high buildings, same old buildings, same trees, same people, same air. It may sound funny but somehow it looks faded to Changkyun. When he left everything was more vivid more live and now it’s just a city.

They reach a very tall building with many floors. Changkyun gets out of the car and takes his backpack as Jae takes his suitcase. When they are going inside the building he notices a red Mercedes. That car looks familiar to Changkyun but he can’t remember why. It’s like he saw that that red color at somewhere..

The elevator stops and they get out, turning left. Jae opens the door and someone- a maid rushes to them taking the suitcase from Jae.

“Welcome sir. Mr Yoo K—“

“Yeah I saw his car. Where is he?”

“In the study room sir.” She takes Jae’s coat and Jae quickly goes in.

“Baby-“ Changkyun flinchs but he tries not to show it. He hate that word. “I’ll be back, you go and wait in the dining room.” Changkyun nods and Jae sprints to inside.

Maid offers to take his backpack but Changkyun says it’s okay and she leads him the way. The house is big very big but not like that huge apartments Changkyun know. It’s not that he knows a lot of places, he just happened to go to the big houses. A big house to be correct and that was so much fancier than this. It was plain but elegant, with one look you could guess a napkin costs 150 dollar. Jae’s house however has big pictures on beige walls and the furnitures are antique but chic. The house looks good but it feels ordinary.

Maid opens a door to dining room- Changkyun supposes when he sees a big, modern looking wooden table in the middle of it. She offers him a seat and Changkyun pulls a chair.

“You can wait here Mr Im. Mr Jae will be here after he talk with Mr Yoo. I hope you can excuse Mr Jae for rushing inside but ou see Mr Yoo is a bit perfectionist, he likes everything neat and complete and Mr Jae is- was a bit lazy.” She lowers her voice at the end like she wants nobody to hear her. Changkyun can understand why she does it, sometimes you just need people to tell what you think so he just lets go. “They have a meeting with other executive people but Mr Jae didn’t get prepared for it, Mr Yoo have every document ready.”

“This Mr Yoo, is he the one who buys the company?” Changkyun asks and oddly enough that name sounds familiar too. Maybe… No. No he can’t be.

“Yes he is. A very charming young man if you ask me sir. He is handsome, kind, thoughtful and very rich. The girl who will marry with him will hit the jackpot.” She giggles and covers her mouth like she wishes to be that girl but Changkyun ignores her because some kind of holy realization downs in his brain.

Red Mercedes, Mr Yoo… Oh fuck.

“Miss—“

“You can call me EungHa sir.”

“Okay EungHa.” He nervously smiles. “What is his full name? Mr Yoo’s I mean?” Changkyun asks very quietly like the maid did minutes ago. His heart rate suddenly hits the roof and even that 2 seconds before the maid smile and reply feels like a torment.

“Mr Yoo Kihyun.”

Changkyun closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

Oh fucking fuck.

Yoo Kihyun. Yoo Kihyun. The Kihyun. The one who paid all of Changkyun’s college fees, bought clothes, jewels, Xbox and all the other tech he asked for 2 years. The one who made Changkyun feel butterflies in his stomach and broke Changkyun’s heart in a second. And that red Mercedes. Now Changkyun remembers why he thought it was familiar because he had sex in it. Several times. This must be a joke that universe thinks it’s funny. But it’s not. His boyfriend’s boss is Changkyun’s ex-sugar daddy. No no no maybe it’s not the same Yoo Kihyun, he thinks. There are a lot of people who may have that name. Okay cool down, he grasps his hands and hold them together tight.

“Are you okay sir?” EungHa asks with a concerned look on his face. Changkyun shakes his head nervously and smiles, knowing he looks weird.

“Can I get a glass of water?”

“Of course.” The maid looks worried but she leaves the room anyway. As soon as she is gone Changkyun starts to pace in the room. He takes short breaths, in and out but somehow it doesn’t reach his lungs and he feels out of air. He feels dizzy, his head spins. What is he gonna do? If it’s Yoo Kihyun, his ex-sugar daddy Kihyun what is he gonna do? He rubs his face with his hands and presses his palms on his cheeks to calm himself down but it doesn’t work.

The door opens and Changkyun turns to take glass but it’s not the maid, it’s Jae and the last person Changkyun wants to see right now. His hair is not that cotton candy pink that Changkyun love to touch, it’s an adult color -brown but somehow he manages to look good with it. He wears that expensive suits he always wear when they hang out and damn he still looks so handsome. He looks just about the same but more mature. Changkyun feels his body warm up and blood rushing to his cheeks. Damn it.

He wants to hide, run away in a hole and live the rest of his life in there when Jae and Kihyun walk to him but he decides that he should look strong and holds his chin up nervously. Kihyun looks at him with an unfazed expression, he has that poker face so that’s why Changkyun can’t tell what he is thinking.

“Changkyun this is Kihyun my boss and Kihyun this is my boyfriend, Changkyun.” Jae says with a smile and Changkyun wants to kill him at the moment. But more than that he doesn’t know why but he glances at Kihyun to see his expression when Jae said _boyfriend_ and he can swear he saw a small glare and that is enough for him to feel content.

Changkyun can see Kihyun is thinking, his lips are pursed and his gaze is burning and wonders if he is gonna say something like they know each other and I fucked your boyfriend more than 200 times and bought everything he wanted to have. He wonders if he should say something but Changkyun can’t say a word.

Eventually Kihyun reaches out his hand because of course he has to be a gentleman even in this weird situation and Changkyun holds it because otherwise it’d be weird and rude, right?

“Nice to meet you…” His voice is melodic as always and soft, no venom no hurt. It just sounds angelic. His hand is warm and soft like how Changkyun remembered and for a split second he feels those fingers in places he shouldn’t think, at least _not at the moment._ But his stupid body remembers what those slim fingers are capable of. He mentally slaps himself as he barely smiles and tries not to shake when he holds the elder’s hand.

“…Changkyun.” Kihyun says his name and Changkyun can swear that soft smile on his face can kill kim. No matter how much he hates this Changkyun’s heart twists inside. He nods to return the gesture.

“Kihyun.”

Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear changkinators!! I hope you like this chapter. Thank you for all the kudos and comments I really love reading about your thoughts. I don't know anything about allergy so forgive me at that part okay??  
> Have fun!!

There is a feeling you feel when you try to avoid a person. Like somebody is holding your guts with their bare hands and you can’t just escape from that grasp, shake them off. Out of everything Changkyun think that can happen to him, meeting with the man he doesn’t wish to come across for a million year is something enough to make him wanna bolt out of the room with all his power and never turn back but here he is trying to look normal even there is a high pitched inner voice(not that pleasing kind) shouting at him, almost enough to make him wanna throw himself from the big windows of the room. But it’s understandable since it’s not a pleasant situation when his boyfriend and his  _ex-_  sugar daddy crush is standing side by side.

There is an awkward silence for a few moment until Jae comes and wraps his arm around Changkyun’s waist, pulls him close, placing his hand dangerously close to his hips. Involuntarily he throws a look at Kihyun who looks rather unaffacted. He doesn’t know what to expect though.

Changkyun doesn’t know what to do with his own arms so he just clasps them together on the front. He really tries hard to stay still and calm himself down but it’s so hard when Kihyun throws him a look under his eyelashes and slightly bows his head to the side like he is examining them.

Changkyun can feel his gaze on him. He feels the elder’s gaze is brushing every part of Changkyun’s skin like waves brush on sands and heat it up in a way Changkyun wish to not feel but since he can’t look at him directly and say anything he just takes deep breaths and prays for this moment to be over. Soon.

Thankfully Jae talks and Changkyun mentally notes himself to hug his boyfriend for this and hit him for leaving him in such a tricky position.

“Kihyun, my boss came to check last minute preparations about our meeting with other board members. You don’t know about the company work but transition, buying… These are hard stuff but thankfully like I said before Kihyun is a hard working, nice person really.”

Jae smiles at Changkyun and Changkyun half heartedly smiles back knowing all too well that he should act normal because Kihyun is acting normal. At least his own kind of normal and of course Changkyun wants him to do that. He should act normal. At the end Changkyun doesn’t want Kihyun to tell Jae about their bathtub—Okay okay  _no._

Kihyun shoves his left hand in his pocket, tilting his body a little bit back and waves his right hand in the air with a smile pulling his lips upwards.

“I’m just trying to make sure everything will go smoothly. No need to flatter.” His lips slightly curved up, it’s obvious that he is having fun. Changkyun knows he likes to hear compliments but he also knows that Kihyun never asked anyone to tell good things to him but when they say flattery words his chest would swallow with pride. Changkyun used to tell him every beautiful word he knew. But they were more than just flattery for Changkyun. Anyway he is still the same.

 “So Kihyun, is there anything else you want to talk with me?” Jae asks with a smile. “Because Changkyun is just got back from America and I would like to spend some time with him…” He winks at Kihyun who lifts his eyebrows for a second. A faint expression comes and goes. What is it? Annoyance? Changkyun couldn’t catch.

Kihyun’s eyes dart between Changkyun and Jae and he replies, realising he didn’t say anything for a time enough to be awkward. “Yeah sure.”

He smiles at Jae in a genuine way. He seems okay with this and for some reason it kinda annoys Changkyun. But what is he expecting anyway?

“I’ll take my leave. I’ll let you know if something comes up.” He says to Jae and turns to Changkyun, tilting his head to the left.

“I’ll see you later Changkyun-shi.” Kihyun nods slightly and Changkyun nods back without replying because he doesn’t trust his voice.

For a second their eyes lock and Changkyun sees a glimmer in there, one he didn’t see in years. Not in his eyes not in anybody else’s eyes. That old, warm feeling settles on his ears. His heart flips inside his chest and tries to push his ribcage and if their look-locking would take a second longer Changkyun is sure his heart would rip a hole in his chest and drop to the floor.

Jae rubs his shoulder up and down and Changkyun turns at him, his eyes are blinking rapidly. He should focus on his boyfriend.

“I’ll escort him to the door.” Jae leaves him and leads the way, the other one follows him, leaving Changkyun alone in the room. After they are out Changkyun’s legs give up and he slumps on the nearest chair. How in the hell is that possible? Changkyun literally run away from the guy and he shows up the first day he is back with all his handsome face and stupidly gorgeous being. Changkyun always thought he looked like he is carved out of stone and his angles were perfect but in 2 years he got even better. He is more charming now. Changkyun noticed he lost weight but gained muscles, not that his childhood friend Hyunwoo, no but he looks firm and good. His body was good back then too, he had a nice round ass which looked even better when he leaves the room minutes ago. Not that Changkyun checked him out. No he didn’t.

It’s so stupid. What is he gonna do really? Why didn’t Kihyun say they knew each other? Now Changkyun has to lie to Jae as well because he went along with the lie in the first place. Come to think of it, why he did go along with it? He could have say we know each other. He didn’t have to lie and mess things up. He could have say they knew each other from… He would come up with something. But then Jae could ask how and it would be really unpleasant to explain Changkyun’s complicated relationship with his boss to him.

His head is a mess.

The maid comes into room with a big glass of water that Changkyun forgot he asked and Changkyun takes it without caring about manners and drinks the whole thing in one go.

“Are you okay sir?” She asks with a little concern.

“Yeah I’m great.” Changkyun gives back the glass with shaky hands. He quickly clasps his hands together again to hide his nervousness and throws a smile to the maid. “It’s okay. You can go back to work.”

Maid looks like she about to say something but she gives up when Jae comes and she leaves the room, closing the door behind. Jae approaches him with a soft smile on his face and Changkyun’s heart tugs because he felt that old, stupid pull towards to Kihyun he always felt when they were a thing and he feels sorry towards his boyfriend for feeling that way. So when Jae hugs him, he hugs back a little tighter and buries his head to his neck. He wants to hide in Jae’s embrace because he feels utterly stupid and angry at himself for feeling that damn butterflies in his stomach the moment Kihyun walked in.

Jae’s giggle is sweet as he pats Changkyun’s head. He breaks the hug and looks at the younger’s face.

“So since the meeting is over… Are you hungry?”

He caresses Changkyun’s cheek gently and Changkyun nods with smile. He hopes Jae doesn’t feel his nervousness.

“Hungry like a wolf.” He says even there are knots in his stomach and he is sure he can’t put anything in his mouth.

Jae smiles and leans in for a small peck and Changkyun quickly pecks back. He doesn’t feel anything except a small warm feeling and that weighs on him more. But he is tired and he just saw his ex sugar daddy in a place he never thought he would so he really doesn’t want to think about this. He can take a guilt trip later.

Jae tells the maid that they are leaving and takes Changkyun’s things and they go back to the car. Changkyun thinks what’s the point of carrying everything up if they were going to leave anyway but then he remembers Jae was supposed to meet with his boss- Kihyun at somewhere outside. And since Kihyun decided to show up and give repeated heart attacks to Changkyun that plan is out of the window.

When they leave the building Changkyun quickly searches for the red Mercedes and thanks God when it’s not there. He doesn’t know why he expected it to be there.

Jae takes him to a restaurant he always talked about whenever he was in America. This place makes amazing steaks and Jae knows Changkyun is a big steak-lover. He picks a corner table for them to sit and Changkyun obligates. They settle and Jae orders his favorites without asking Changkyun saying that he should eat the special steak.

After he text someone, Jae takes a sip from his water and reaches out to hold Changkyun’s hand. It’s warm and big. Big enough to wrap Changkyun’s hand until his wrist and Changkyun feels like his fingers lose in Jae’s hold whenever they hold hands.

“I’m so glad that you decided to come back. Now we will see each other more.” Jae says with a smile, he brushes the back of Changkyun’s hand with his thumb as Changkyun smiles back at him.

“Yeah… Me too.” The younger replies and takes a sip from his water. The water is cold and reaches his upset stomach slowly like it melts in his mouth. He feels more calm and he decides to focus on the dinner. He brushes his thoughts of going back to America and never come back here again to the back of his head because Jae is right there looking at him so softly and Changkyun doesn’t want to break his enthusiasm. He wants run away like really run away but Jae is holding his hand with such delicasy and he keeps Changkyun right there.

Waiter brings their plates and it’s delicios like Jae said but Changkyun doesn’t feel hungry so he just takes a few bite and then plays with his meat, poking it from a side to another side. He feels apologetic to the food but he can’t help it.

“So what do you think?” Jae asks him, throwing a broccoli in his mouth.

“About what?” Changkyun rests his head on his right hand and looks at him.

“Kihyun.”

_Damn it._

“He.. Uh he seems nice.” Changkyun says, clearing his throat. He drops his hand and to the side forcing a smile.

“Are you done?” He asks to Changkyun who nods and then he motions waiter to take the plates away.

“He is nice really. Also very generous.”.

_Tell me about it._

“And he is here.” Changkyun snaps his head to his boyfriend who gets up so quickly. He bets he will get a whiplash later. Jae gets up greeting someone.

“Hey Kihyun. I didn’t know you were here.” His boyfriend says kindly and that familiar voice replying him tingles Changkyun’s skin.

“Hello Jae. I came to eat since we finished our small meeting. I didn’t know you were here either.” Kihyun talks and Changkyun can see he is smiling, not that genuine though.

“Well we finished our dinner. Why don’t you join us for desert?” Jae motions him to pull a chair and Changkyun curses silently because how can this day get more worse, seriously? He looks at Kihyun who stands next to their table. Changkyun doesn’t know what he did to deserve all of this but it feels a lot like a karma. A bad karma.

“No, I don’t wanna bother you.” Kihyun replies, shaking his head but Jae cuts his words.

“Nonsense. We’d be really happy, right love?” He reaches out and touches Changkyun’s hand and Kihyun’s eyes land on it for a second then looks back at Changkyun.

Changkyun knows the question is directed at him and he really wishes to not reply it but since Kihyun started this stupid game he has to get along with it.

“Yeah, please sit.” He says and Kihyun pulls a chair, sitting slightly close to Changkyun.

“We were just talking about you.” Jae says and a heat wave hits Changkyun as he eyes the knifes on the table to stab himself or his boyfriend. He hopes the dim lights of the restaurant is enough to hide the blush on his face.

“Oh really?” Kihyun says, lifting his eyebrows. He is amused obviously.

“Yeah. I was talking about how nice you are. Oh desert!” Jae happily says and waiter places deserts in front of them.

It’s a foreign desert and Changkyun has no idea what it’s name but he decides to examine it rather than looking up and see him because he knows Kihyun is staring at him. He can feel his gaze touching at his skin. He wants to comment on it, say something but thinks it would be unpleasant or inappropriate or both so he let’s go. He takes his fork and dives it into the desert.

“Peanut butter cream is delicious.” Kihyun blurts out all of a sudden and Changkyun’s hand halts in the air. He places the fork on the plate slowly and looks at the brown mush. How could he miss the smell? He is allergic to peanut butter. He doesn’t have his allergy pills on him right now so he can’t eat this. He looks at Jae who is busy with his own desert and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he looks back at his desert with sad eyes because he didn’t tell he is allergic to peanut butter to Jae who is supposed to be the most important person in Changkyun’s life and if he says anything now… He doesn’t want Kihyun to think they are just dating. Changkyun likes him very much… Enough to forget something that can kill him. He doesn’t want to expose this to him. Damn it. Why is everything gets harder each second?

“I—“ He decides to excuse himself with some alibi but Kihyun reaches and touches Jae’s arm out of the blue and accidentally- accidentally hit a glass with his elbow and spill water on Changkyun’s plate.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry.” Kihyun takes the glass- thankfully it’s not broken and waiter immediately takes the ruined desert away.

“I’m really sorry for ruining your desert.” Kihyun says with an apologetic face and Changkyun just blinks at him. He feels a tug when Kihyun gently talks.

“Oh—It’s okay. I was full anyway.” Changkyun replies and he sees a really small smile on Kihyun’s lips. Something tells Changkyun that Kihyun spilled the water on purpose and that idea alone makes his heart pound on his chest with big thumps. And for the rest of the dinner he really has hard time to focus.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hi Kyunnie!” A big body envelops him in a huge hug and with giggle Changkyun hugs back, trying to clasp his hands behind the man’s back.

“Hi Joohoney hyung.” He smiles and knows Jooheon is smiling too because he is rocking Changkyun left to right and that’s something he does when he is happy. They break the hug but they don’t let each other go. They didn’t see each other since the last summer and the other one looks a bit different. For once he was blonde at summer but now his hair is black and that gives him a more sexy look if you ask Changkyun. And his body looks better.

“Somebody is working out.” Changkyun holds and squeeze Jooheon’s biceps, feeling how firm they are.

“I’m not sitting around like somebody.” He playfully hits Changkyun’s tummy and Changkyun acts like it hurts so much. He grasps his shirt and let’s out pained noises that makes Jooheon laugh. He squishes Changkyun’s dace between his hands and play with his cheeks like he is 5 years old.

“Ahh hyung~~” Changkun shakes him off, throwing a glare and Jooheon laughs more. He let’s go the younger and picks Changkyun’s bags.

“Come on get in.” He takes Changkyun to the guest room- now Changkyun’s room and leaves Changkyun there to freshen up. It’s not a big room because Jooheon is not a rich person but Changkyun appreciates his friend for letting him stay. They know each other since the middle school like Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Jooheon is Changkyun’s best friend for years. He always turns to Jooheon at any point in his life because he knows the elder will always be there to support him. It’s so nice to know there is a person who will always back you up no matter how fuck you things up.

He places his bag to the corner and takes a note to himself to empty it later. He needs a hot shower right away so he rushes to the bathroom and groaning he takes his clothes off and gets under the  shower. The water pours on him and finally he takes a deep breath.

 

A really deep breath.

 

All of his day- specific parts actually plays in his head. The way Kihyun walks near him with all his elegance. The way he tilts his head when he listen Jae and that small frown on his face when Jae pulled him close. His back when he left the room. Kihyun didn’t turn back to look at Changkyun but Changkyun kinda wishes he did.

The way he smile when Jae and him talk about a board member. How he licked his lips after his every bite. How Changkyun could see his collarbone because his top two button was open. How Changkyun wanted to—

No no! _No!_ He shouldn’t think about this. He quickly takes shampoo and pours some in his hand. It’s strawberry flavoured, Jooheon’s favorite brand. Thankfully he bought a few bottles to him. He rinses his hair and feels clean enough after thirty minutes.

He gets out of the shower and puts new clothes on. A comfy sweatshirt and shorts. He finds Jooheon in the kitchen, trying to make something they can eat. The elder places the toasts he did on to the plates and beams up at Changkyun when he sees the younger. Changkyun pulls a chair to himself and watches Jooheon pouring coffee to the cups.

The elder puts the cup and plate in front of Changkyun giving him a “Ta-da!!” and takes his, pulling a chair next to Changkyun.

“My boy Changkyun you are back.” He takes a sip from his coffee.

“Yeap I am.” Changkyun takes a sip from his coffee too.

“So how was the first day in Korea after two years?” Jooheon takes a bite from his toast and let’s out a delicious sound.

“Good.” Changkyun takes a bite too and he mirrors Jooheon’s expression because even this plain toast taste like heaven after that awful dinner. He slowly chews and swallows the piece with a sip of coffee.

“So hyung did I mention that Jae, my boyfriend Jae’s boss is Kihyun?” Changkyun says quickly because honestly he has no idea how he can start to talk about it and causes Jooheon to almost choke on his coffee. He coughs a few times and looks at Changkyun who pats his back with big round eyes.

“What? Kihyun?”

Changkyun nods.

_“The Kihyun?”_

Changkyun nods again.

“The man who financed you in your early years of college and you… you did..” Jooheon’s voice get smaller and Changkyun finishes his sentence.

“Yeah the one who financed and fucked me. Yeap that one.”

Jooheon shakes his head in disbelief and let’s out a chuckle.

“Oh Changkyun, you never seize to amaze me.” He comes closer. “Tell me everything.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo what do you think? Talk with me please~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear changkinators!!  
> I hope you are good and happy!!  
> Let's see what this chapter will bring so have fun!!
> 
> And thank you for kudos and comments I really love them^^

Changkyun wakes up to the voices coming from inside and a crushing weight on his chest. He tries to push it away but weight wiggles and wraps around him more. So he wiggles more, tries to escape octopus arms but gets tired in a second.

“Ahh don’t move. I’m trying to sleep.” A low voice tickles his nape. Changkyun names the person behind him by the sleepy voice and laughs.

“Hyungwon hyung…” He finally manages to turn around after a few attempt and face the man in matter. Hyungwon is under cover, an arm around Changkyun, his cheek is squished on the pillow- Changkyun’s pillow to be exact.

“Hyung what are you doing here?” Changkyun pokes the other’s cheek and the elder frowns at his act. He never likes to be disturbed while he sleeps but he is the one who disturbs Changkyun actually so he can do whatever he wants. And he wants Hyungwon to let himself go because he kinda feels stricted and that feeling is not pleasant. After all this is not the striction that Changkyun likes.

“Hyung come on~~~” He nudges more and eventually Hyungwon stops ignoring him, opening his eyes to throw annoyed looks at the younger and takes his hand back, tucking it under his cheek.

Changkyun takes a proper breath and feels free for some reason. Actually he loves to cuddle when he sleeps but he doesn’t like surprised cuddlings. He had a few unpleasant ones.

“We came to see you of course. What do you think?” Hyungwon says with a sleepy voice. His eyelids are almost closing and he looks like a sleepy child in a 25 year old body. As always.

“We? Is Minhyuk hyung here too—“ Before he can finish Changkyun hears the iconic dolphin sound from inside and that answers his question. Based on the sound he can gather that Jooheon and Minhyuk must have talk about something he doesn’t want to know.

“What time is it?” He asks to Hyungwon who is almost asleep again.

“We came at 11. Sat for a while until Jooheon started to talk about Captain Marvel and Minhyuk insisted it’s Super Marvel. So I sneaked out here, I don’t know the rest.” He yawns with a cute way and Changkyun would pinch his gummy cheeks if he’d know he won’t get smacked for doing that. He contemplates between going in and stay in bed and he decides he needs a few hour more sleep before he face the cruel, painful world so he just dives back and hugs Hyungwon like he is a sleeping doll. Hyungwon throws his arms around him like before but this time Changkyun doesn’t feel crushed.

“I’m glad you are back Kyun.” He cards the younger's hair slowly and Changkyun smiles. It’s good to be with people who cares.

“Me too hyung.”

 

******* 

 

Someone pokes his cheeks and Changkyun unwillingly opens his eyes second time that day and finds two pair of brown eyes looking at him with glimmers. It appears to be Hyungwon is gone and his soul mate replaced his place.

“Changkyunnie~” The black haired man squishes his cheeks and plays with them and if he wasn’t older than Changkyun, he would curse at him but he let it go, denying the fact that he loves when Minhyuk baby him.

“Ah hyung~~~” Changkyun groans but he let’s Minhyuk do what he wants. He takes a glance at the clock on the wall and it’s 3pm already. He’s been sleeping for more than 12 hours which is an unusual thing for Changkyun because he usually gets up really early.

Back in America he always got up with the sun because that’s just how his body clock works. That’s why many of his friends teased him saying he gets up early and sleeps late, he is like a vampire. But Changkyun never told anyone that he was never like this before. Actually he loved to sleep late and wake up at noon or late until he met Kihyun. That guy got under Changkyun’s skin more than one way.

Kihyun always got up early before Changkyun so it’s kinda became a habit to him, trying to wake up before the elder and watch him until he needs to leave or Changkyun needs to go. And after Kihyun was no longer in his life, he kept that habit unwillingly because he adapted to waking up early a lot so that’s why this is surprising for him, to wake up this late but considering everything that happened in one day he can let go. Maybe it’s the result of events that happened yesterday or maybe simply because he was too tired for all those time he spent in the plane.

“I missed you Kyunnie.” Minhyuk hugs the younger and almost crushes his bones while he does but Changkyun is happy despite that he can’t breathe properly until Minhyuk let’s go. The elder looks gorgeous as always, his plain face holds the every beautiful aspects and Changkyun always adores the way he smile.

“Where is Hyungwon hyung?” He asks when they sit up on the bed. He pulls some of the cover on himself to stop after-wake-up-shiver.

“Talking with Jooheon.” Minhyuk says, fixing Changkyun’s hair with his fingers.

“I thought you were talking with him.” Changkyun tilts his head for Minhyuk to reach better. It feels nice.

“Yeah I was but you know, switch culture.” Minhyuk winks at him and Changkyun snorts.

“Hyung please I didn’t need to know that.” He facepalms dramatically like he heard the worst thing in his life which it is a bad thing if you imagine your friends in that position and… Changkyun didn’t imagine. He didn’t.

“Yeah? But I wanna know about your encounter with Kihyun.” Minhyuk says with a playful look on his face. His angelic feature hides a mischievous look and oh Changkyun will kill Jooheon who just happens to enter the room and sits next to Minhyuk with a curious face.

“Wait wait!! I wanna come too!” Hyungwon runs in with a tray on his hand and surprisingly he doesn’t trip or bump into anything and everything stays safe. He gives the tray to Changkyun who moves a little back, leans in to the headboard and takes it on his lap. He recognizes Jooheon’s coffee, Minhyuk’s amazing omelette and weird shaped breads that can only be done by Hyungwon. He is beautiful, a talented dancer but boy has no skills in the kitchen. Once he forgot a pan on the oven and they had to open windows to take the smoke out in the middle of January. They all catched cold after that night.

It’s useless to ignore his growling stomach so Changkyun sticks his fork to the omelette and eats it, feeling he is above the clouds because it’s really good. He hums in approval and Minhyuk’s eyes glistens with joy. He loves to be appreciated with his work. Hyungwon who sits next to Changkyun frowns a little.

“I’m sorry Kyunnie. I tried to not burn it.” He says with a sorry voice. Minhyuk reaches out centimeters from Changkyun’s face and pats his boyfriend’s head like he is some kind of a puppy.

“Well baby at least you tried.”

“Ugh gross.” Jooheon acts like he is throwing up and Changkyun giggles when Minhyuk smacks his arm. He rubs the spot with a hurt look but Minhyuk turns to Changkyun who eats silently.

“So spill. We know what happened thanks to our honey Joohoney but damn Kihyun?

“Yeap.” Changkyun takes a sip from the coffee and bless the person who invented coffee.

“What are you thinking?” Hyungwon asks folding his legs under his body and leans on his arm.

“I don’t know actually. I don’t care. He is my boyfriend’s boss so what?” Changkyun shrugs and eats the burnt bread and smiles at Hyungwon.

“Who happens to be your fuckbuddy.” Jooheon says opening his eyes like he is talking with a kid.

“No Jooheon sugar daddy and fuckbuddy are not the same. Learn your phrases before you use them.” Minhyuk says with a disappointed voice.

“Anyway yeah I was his toy and he paid my things at the end we part ways. That’s it. No biggie.” Changkyun finishes his breakfast(lunch? Brunch?) and thanks them.

“You should talk with him Kyun.” Minhyuk takes the tray and gets up. “Don’t talk without me.” He runs into kitchen and comes back in a second. “Go on.”

“I will not talk with him hyung. Why would I do that?”

If I talk I will melt again and I tried so hard to pull myself together.

“But you can’t just—“

Changkyun’s phone rings and he thanks to heavens for saving him from this conversation. Jae is calling and he manages to open it before Minhyuk grab the phone.

“Hi baby!” Changkyun flinches at the word but he smiles up.

“Hi Jae. What are you doing?”

“You know usual company things. I miss you~”

“Yeah I miss you too. When will you finish?”

“Today I have to work really late so I can’t come see you but tomorrow…” Changkyun gets distracted because Minhyuk pulls his arm and glues himself to the phone.

“Put him on speaker.” Minhyuk shakes his hand and Changkyun immediately shakes his head as in no.

“Put him on speaker!!” Minhyuk says again, trying to reach for the phone but Changkyun draws it back.

“Wait a second Jae.” He covers the speaker with his palm and kicks Minhyuk slightly.

“Hyung what the hell? Why should I put him on speaker?”

Minhyuk tilts his head and smiles innocently.

“Because I’m your hyung.”

“Oh God, bite me! That’s not a reason!”

“Ugh fine.” Minhyuk gives up and crosses his arms on his chest like a kicked puppy and Changkyun totally ignores.

He turns to the phone again.

“Sorry what were you saying?”

“Dinner with some shareholders. Tomorrow at 8pm. I’ll come get you.” Jae repeats again and Changkyun processes what he said.

If it’s a dinner with shareholders that means Kihyun will be there too since he owns the company. Changkyun doesn’t know if he should go or not. He wonders what will happen if he sees Kihyun again. Will he act like nothing again or… Or what actually? Changkyun doesn’t know what he expects. It’s hard to decide. Maybe he can fake he is sick to not go.

“Maybe I should—“

“Okay I’ll pick you up at 7.30. I gotta catch a meeting. Bye love.” Jae hangs up the phone, leaving Changkyun with an open mouth. How is he gonna go to that dinner with all that important and boring people? All they talk will be politics and money and they are not the subjects Changkyun is interested in.

“So what did he say?” Minhyuk asks long forgetting about his hurt feelings.

“There is this dinner with important people tomorrow but I don’t wanna go.” Changkyun puts his phone under the pillow and slumps on it.

“You went to this kind of dinners before Kyun. Why don’t you wanna go?” Jooheon asks him with a stupidly adorable look. He helped Changkyun prepare for a lot of times back in three years ago.

Yes Jooheon is right, Changkyun went to this kind of dinners, parties, company dinners with Kihyun to escort him and spent all the time fucking with him in the bathroom stalls. So he doesn’t know what to do in a serious meeting. Come to think about it the dinner at that famous lobster restaurant was good. They had couches in the bathrooms, expensive and luxury ones. And they were pretty soft, considering the circumstances.

“Kihyun may be there and I don’t know… He is like an alligator you know.” Dangerous and cunny. Everything that pulls Changkyun. Ugh why does everything have to be so hard?

Changkyun let’s out a huff and shakes his body left to right to get some sense to himself which it’s impossible when your head spins but maybe that’s good. Maybe if he doesn’t think, things will be okay. That’s the best solution he can think of.

“So what?” Hyungwon shrugs with a careless attitude. “It’s your boyfriend who asks you this. We don’t know him at all and I will personally smack you for that because you are together for 9 months but you only mentioned about the guy a hand full of times Changkyun. I mean what’s his favorite color?”

“Umm… Pink?” Changkyun replies in a few seconds and realizes he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know something so basic about his boyfriend but no. He know he just doesn’t remember.

“Well anyway what I’m trying to say it’s like a code to go these events together. Minhyuk would kill me if I refuse to go any of his family dinners.”

“I would skin him alive.” Minhyuk throws him a smile and Changkyun feels a shiver.

“You are weird. Why am I friends with you?” He sits up again with his head in his hands, pulling his knees to himself and wrapping his arms around.

“That’s what I ask to myself everyday.” Jooheon shakes his head with disapprovement. Minhyuk pulls him into a hug and shake him like a baby.

“Because you love us.” Minhyuk beams at them happily.

“I think that _you_ was just _you,_ not _me and you_ dear but okay.”  Hyungwon pats his boyfriends back. “So back to the topic. I think you should go. Kihyun is your boyfriend’s boss and they are trying to work things in company together, you will see him a lot until they settle the I don’t know company works. I don’t know the plaza language so fuck it. Anyway you should get used to it. You can’t run away all the time.”

“I can pretend that aliens took me.”

“You know they are all caged up in Area 51something.” Minhyuk says with a serious look.

“A gorgeous alligator pulled me into his swamp and I can’t get out?”

“Wait a minute. Is that alligator a real alligator or are we still using a metaphor to describe Kihyun?” Jooheon asks with a puzzled look.

“What? No!”

_Yes._

Changkyun throws him a what the heck look and rolls his eyes.

“No way out?” Changkyun pleads with his eyes but Hyungwon pitifully shrugs his shoulders.

“No way out.”

Changkyun sighs, knowing he is right and accepts his fate. The day goes amazing after that. He missed his friends and being with them.

Maybe coming back was not such a bad idea.

 

 

 *******

 

 

 

“Wow love you look elegant.” Jae whistles with a smile when Changkyun gets in the car and places a quick kiss on Changkyun’s lips.

“You are not bad yourself too.” Changkyun smiles and puts his belt on as Jae starts to drive.

Changkyun is wearing a black suit he bought for graduation, Minhyuk styled his head back leaving his forehead open insisting he looks like a killer like that and it’s a good one not the Scream type. He put some lip gloss and eyeliner too, not too obvious but enough to take attention. Changkyun said it would be too much since he will sit in a room with brooding elders but Minhyuk said it’s all about him having fun and he should look good for himself.

He looks at his boyfriend and he is handsome. Changkyun loves him. He does but that he keep hears Hyungwon’s voice in his head and he just asks.

“Jae do you know my favorite color?”

Jae smiles at him like he said something funny.

“Of course I do, it’s purple.”

_That’s right._

“And you know mine is orange.”

Yes orange! Changkyun just couldn’t remember, that’s all. Orange.

 

They come to a place that screams money even before they enter the garden. Jae leaves his car to the vale and guides Changkyun to the inside. He puts a hand on Changkyun’s back before they enter the big room and leans into Changkyun.

“Thank you for coming with me. I don’t know what I would do alone here. Love these are important people. You may not understand but they are big names for the company, international buyers so please bear with me all night.” He places a kiss on Changkyun’s cheek and smiles before he opens the door.

The restaurant is empty except one table, the one they will be sitting and everybody is already there except them.

Kihyun is there too.

He sits at the head of the table because he is the CEO and he looks like a king on the throne.

With every step Changkyun feels a pull towards him. With every step some magnet pulls him to Kihyun and Changkyun tries so hard to not to run to his arms. He focuses on taking solid steps and it feels like forever to get to the table.

“Jae finally! Who is this young man?” An elder man who Changkyun doesn’t know, asks. He has greyish hairs and round glasses on his face. Changkyun guesses he is some kind of executive manager or whatever.

“Traffic was jammed. He is my friend.” Jae replies and Changkyun looks at him surprised but fix his feature before anyone can see. Friend? Why not boyfriend? Is he ashamed of Changkyun or something like that? Then why did he bring him here?

“Welcome. Please sit.” Another man says and ironically enough there is only the two chair next to Kihyun is empty and before Changkyun take the second Jae pulls it and sits so he has to sit next to Kihyun which is fine. He can totally keep his face straight(hah!) and spend at least 2 hours next to his old crush and with this circus.

Everything is fine.

 

*******

 

Dinner goes horrible.

Everybody talks about politics and economy like Changkyun thought- of course. He can’t eat properly either because he doesn’t know where to put his hands or how to behave. And feeling like a 17-year-old teenage boy next to Kihyun doesn’t help either. He never looks at Changkyun by the way. He just talks with people and eats his meal as usual so Changkyun is pretty sure he doesn’t see Changkyun’s glances. Changkyun doesn’t follow the talk so he sneakily roams Kihyun’s face whenever he gets the chance. That killer jaw line is sharp as ever. He dazzles even under the low lights and Changkyun is sure he only drink two glasses of wine.

He tries to cut his beef to the million pieces with an extra effort to occupy himself when someone laughs. He holds his head up and listens to the talk.

“I heard about that manager. Turns out he has a boyfriend. Can you believe him?” The old man tells to the other man next to him.

“What a joke! What happened to him?” The other one asks, wiping his mouth with napkin.

“They fired him of course! They couldn’t keep some homo in the company.” They laugh like it’s the funniest thing ever but Changkyun’s blood boil inside. They are talking about what now?

“Excuse me, what is so funny?” Changkyun asks with an annoyed tone and everybody looks at him for a second.

“What?” The other man asks, surprising.

“I’m asking what is so funny about this matter. The fact that, that manager is lucky enough to find his significant other or that company is trash enough to fire him?” Jae lifts his eyebrows to him when the words left his mouth and his lips are a thin line but Changkyun doesn’t care about what he say at this point because the way those men talk is ridiculous.

“Both.” The elder one replies and waves his hand in the air like he is shooing a bug. “He’s young. He’s just having a phase. He’ll realize his mistakes soon.”

“I don’t think that’s a phase.” A soft voice replies and Changkyun turns his head in shock to look at Kihyun who lifts his elbows on the table, crossing his hands and leaning his chin onto them. “Everybody has a right to choose who to like and I believe that is something they should decide, not others. Besides from what I heard that manager is a skilled man and firing him for his personal choices is an act of unprofessional management and a poor choice.”

Changkyun stares at him, blinking his eyes rapidly at Kihyun who smiles and returns to his meal. Why did he just interfere?

Changkyun’s heart pounds in his chest like crazy but this time it’s not because he is angry because he is… _happy._

But when he hears the guy muttering “Homo after all…” to the other his anger settles back but Jae’s words ring in his head. He should not cross the line. These are important people for him and Changkyun should behave. He shouldn’t say anything that he can’t take back and hurt the company’s welfare so he swallows his pride and focuses on his meal.

Changkyun doesn’t realize he fists his right hand and digs his nails into his palm. He does that to calm himself down, to find a solid ground to hold himself from say or do anything bad. He quickly drops his hand under the table to not let anyone see it and digs his nails more, almost breach the skin there and feel the stinging pain but stops in shock when soft fingertips touch his wrist. Changkyun doesn’t have to look down to see what’s going on, he can feel Kihyun’s fingers slowly slide down into his palm, opening his fist and lock his fingers there.

Changkyun’s heart quickens with the gesture. His fingers loosely stays and numbs as they burn- if that makes sense. He is pretty sure he doesn’t breathe for a solid minute and he waits until Kihyun takes his hand back but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take his hand back and when Changkyun looks at him,  he doesn’t look back. Kihyun just speaks with another man across the table with a smile on his face.

Changkyun turns his attention to his plate. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the dinner and Kihyun doesn’t take his hand back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So tell me what do you think^^  
> Talk to me please~~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear changkinators!!!  
> I hope you are doing well!!  
> The expression Chnagkyun does is similar to mine, I kinda had that panic attacks so I wanted to reflect it here.  
> I hope you will like the chapter and if you do, let me know!!  
> Have fun!!

It’s quiet.

It’s dark and since it’s late, there are not many cars on the street but still Changkyun feels the ride back home takes an eternity time. He doesn’t look at his boyfriend, choosing to watch darkness through the window.

The blackness swallows everything on it’s way like a deep hole.

Changkyun feels suffocated.

The engine makes noises and occasionally the gear too, when Jae touch it.

Usually he would open radio to listen some music but this time he doesn’t want to because he knows Jae is angry like himself so he keeps silent until they reach Jooheon’s- now his too- home.

Jae pulls aside and stops the car. He puts his hands on the wheel and and let’s out a breath. Changkyun unbuckles his belt but he doesn’t get out, instead he turns towards to the person next to him.

“Why did you bring me?” He questions. He felt horrible at the dinner and if Jae would just speak up for him instead of ignoring he could easily forget anything.

Jae takes another breath and he turns to Changkyun as well. He loosens his tie, opening the first button of his shirt.

“I wanted you to support me.”

“By lying? Saying that I’m your friend? Not defending me when those men talk trash?” Changkyun lifts his right hand, opening his palm towards Jae in a questioning way.

Jae licks his lips and shakes his head like he is disappointed.

“Before we enter the room, I told you that they were important people and you, you said that we are not in America anymore and I should behave at the very first moment you saw me. What was I suppose to say than huh? They are old fashioned Changkyun, their brains are filled with spider webs. You heard with your own ears, they support a company who fires an employee because he is gay. What do you think they will do if they learn about me, about us?”

Jae’s voice slowly increase as he talks, enough for Changkyun to take a step back.

“I understand but still you could say that I’m your boyfriend. Or you could say something” …things like Kihyun said when he spoke up. But Changkyun doesn’t say that because what the hell happened this night? He has no idea.

Instead Changkyun persists and he can see a faint flame behind Jae’s eyes.

“You don’t understand, okay? I’m not in the position of saying whatever I want to say and I thought you understand me. Honestly I’m disappointed in you. You could just shut up but you had to talk and ruin things. Even Kihyun had to spoke up because of you and imagine how much he must have feel bad because of doing that.” Jae spats out frustrated.

With the mention of that infamous CEO whom Changkyun tried so hard to not think about, at least he is inside the walls of his room, Changkyun averts his eyes and looks at the gear as he slowly swallows the lump in his throat. His eyes catches the faint cresent nail shapes in his palm and his hand falls on his lap as a guilt sinks inside his chest, clawing his lungs inside. His heart get erratic with the memory of Kihyun’s hand in his own and how natural it felt. But also he feels guilty and pressured because he liked it more than he should even though he knows it’s wrong. His body was itching to touch the elder from the moment he saw him and he is crushing under the amount of happiness he felt because of that gesture, because his boyfriend is there.

“Changkyun love…” Jae reaches out and holds his hand and it doesn’t- fit. His hand is huge, covers Changkyun’s both hands. It’s not soft and Changkyun doesn’t feel bubbly inside, not how he felt when Kihyun did slide his fingers and clasped his hand firmly in his soft and warm hands.

It just doesn’t fit.

“Baby…”

_He hates that word._

And Changkyun feels the air on his chest gets even heavier. If it’s possible he even feels more guilty. Because it should fit, right? Jae is his boyfriend. They should click.

So he just mutters. “I’m sorry. I will behave better.”

“I know you’ll do.”

Jae throws a soft smile and closes the distance between them, pressing his lips on Changkyun’s as the younger’s brain halts for a second before he presses his own back. They are soft and Changkyun can taste the wine on the other’s lips.

Jae shifts and gets closer to him more, grabbing the younger by the shoulders and press on him. Changkyun’s heart beat on his ears due to situation so he grasps the elder’s collar but he doesn’t pull him near, it’s more to keep him distant.

Jae understands that and retreats, giving him a small peck on the lips but Changkyun can see he is frustrated. How could he not be actually? This is the farthest point Changkyun ever let him come.

“Thank you for the ride.” Changkyun says as he holds the door and opens it. He throws a smile and ignores the broken face Jae has as he goes inside.

 

*******

 

“Please for the love of what you believe, leave me the fuck alone!” Changkyun tries to move towards his own room but three pair of eyes doesn’t let him go away and die in his bed.

“Your lips are swollen. Did you guys have a car-fuck?” Minhyuk lifts his eyebrows.

“What? Hyung please what the fuck?” Jooheon makes a disgusted face.

“We kissed and that’s it. That’s all we ever did.” Changkyun tries to pass Hyungwon but interestingly enough the elder doesn’t move.

“What?” Minhyuk says in a surprised voice. “You never did that thing?”

“Why is this sudden censor? You just ask him if they fucked in the car.”

“Won please there are kids.” Minhyuk throws his hands on Changkyun’s ears.

“Hyung seriosuly.” Changkyun spats his hands away and manages to move pass the prying trio. He turns back to them and throws piercing looks at each handsome face. And he will never say them that he finds them handsome.

“I’m going to bed. No.” He holds his hand up to silence Minhyuk who is about to object and the elder pouts instantly.

“Good night to all of you. Don’t bother me.” He says and rushes into his room, leaving his friends in the hall. He quickly changes his suit to the pyjamas and gets under the cover with a shiver.

He closes his eyes real tight to prevent any idea come into his mind and leave him sleepless but he fails because it’s his mind and Changkyun knows it’s idiotic to think he can escape from himself.

He turns around and eventually finds himself thinking about the way his heart pounded on his chest all night because Kihyun didn’t take his back until the dinner finished and they had to go. When he got up, he didn’t cast a glance on Kihyun but his finger slide down and Changkyun shivered with the touch. His fingertips still tingle.

Changkyun thought Kihyun wasn’t paying attention to him during the dinner but obviously he was wrong. Kihyun helped him relax and defended him in front of those horrible people and Changkyun feels grateful to him for doing so.

And he hates himself for feeling like this.

It’s all fucked up and Changkyun doesn’t know what to do. He thinks about what happened until his head hurts and puts himself into sleep by force.

He sees bright, crescent eyes in his dream.

 

 *******

 

“Changkyunnie!” The big, muscled guy envelops the younger into a warm hug and Changkyun hugs back, trying to clasp his hand at the elders back but fails, again like he did with Jooheon.

“Hyunwoo hyung!” Changkyun grins.

The elder hugs him a few seconds more and breaks the hug with a huge smile on his face and Changkyun knows he reflects the same expression.

“Since I left everybody is into body –building. Jooheon works out as well.” He touches Hyunwoo’s biceps, admiring how firm they are.

“Yeah we go to the gym together.” Hyunwoo smiles with pride. He pulls a chair for younger to sit.

“I’ll get you your usual okay?” Hyunwoo asks as he goes behind the counter and Changkyun nods.

The cafe looks cozy and cool. Almost every table is full and people chat among each other while baristas serve them. Last time when Changkyun was here, this place was opened recently and it was slowly getting interest. Seeing things go well makes him happy.

The elder comes with a caramel latte, crowned with whipped cream and marshmallow and an americano. He takes the americano and gives the extra sweet drink to Changkyun whose eyes light up with the sight. He drinks the latte and it’s amazing.

“Hyung, this is great. I guess I will marry with this latte.” He takes another sip.

Hyunwoo takes a sip as well. “Not as much as your drinks but thank you.”

Changkyun smiles at his words. They worked together at so many jobs, one of them was a cafe barista. Hyunwoo always dreamed to have a cafe of his own when Changkyun liked it just as an income but he was skilled. The work was hard, dealing with people was hard but Changkyun doesn’t remember those days bad. He liked being a cafe barista. It did bring him Kihyun after all.

“I’m glad that things are going well with cafe.” He takes another sip.

“I can use some help actually.” Hyunwoo shrugs his shoulders as the younger lifts his eyebrows.

“Since you are here now, I’ve been thinking… I opened this place thanks to you, I know that.” Hyunwoo continues. “I can never say thank you enough Changkyun, for saving me.”

Changkyun’s head clouded with thoughts in an instant with flashes of 2 years back appears infront of his eyes but he smiles up right away shoving them at the back of his head.

“No hyung. It’s okay.”

The elder nods, looking at the cup in his hand. “Still it’d be good to see you here. I need professionals and a friend would be great. If you have nothing else in your mind of course.”

Changkyun smiles up with a nod. “I have nothing to do at the mean time. Working here would be a good distraction.” From other things Changkyun thinks about for a few days.

He checks his phone and it’s almost 6.30pm.

“Anyway I gotta go.” He gets up, hugging his friend again.

Hyunwoo pats his back and escorts him to the door. He looks at the clouds, gathering together.

“They say it’s gonna rain Changkyun-ah. Are you gonna be okay?” The elder asks.

Changkyun looks up and he can see the clouds getting a darker shade.

“It’s okay I’ll be back at home by then.”

And he leaves to go to Jae’s workplace.

Jooheon didn’t bother him much when Changkyun stayed at home for a few days but Minhyuk called him during the day and visited him after work, pestering him to talk but Changkyun ignored his questions about the dinner. He just wanted to get use to the idea of seeing Kihyun anytime so he just stayed at home, did nothing for days, only replied Jae’s text when he felt like it due to his brooding about the events of the dinner night but today he had to go out to see Hyunwoo. And since he is out, he decided to visit his boyfriend at the work.

When he reaches the company, he gets in and asks the girl at the info desk about manager’s office then goes there. The room looks fancy, there are paintings on the walls and black leather couches but there is no one inside so he must be at a meeting, Changkyun thinks. He doesn’t want to wander around so he just sits on one of the couches and watches the raindrops that slowly patting on the window.

He hates rain, hates thunder and bolts to be exact. He doesn’t like to be out at times like this, he rather stay at home under the blankets, watch Netflix or listen music loudly. Changkyun knows it’s a stupid fear but still, he can’t stop himself from shivering. Jooheon always cuddle with him at nights like this. Again Chankyun is grateful to have him as a friend.

The clock on the wall says almost 7pm so he knows Jae will leave the work soon so he decides to wait for him until he comes to his office to collect his things. He puts his headphones and closes his eyes to feel more at ease but it doesn’t help when he knows rain only gets stronger.

After 3 songs he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey handsome!” He unplug the headphones and looks at the person who is behind and his heart drops when his eyes meet with brown ones.

As much as he tries Kihyun can’t hide his smirk.

“Glad to know that you still find me handsome.”

Changkyun quickly gets up from his place.

“What are you doing here?”

“I can ask you the same thing. What are you doing here? This is my office.” Kihyun asks, tilting his head.

Changkyun curses mentally to the girl who told him this office. She leaded him into the wrong room.

“I came to the wrong office then. I thought this was Jae’s office.” Changkyun emphasizes at the last word more.

Kihyun’s lips forms a line, his chin wrinkles as he nods. He looks like he is thinking something and he goes to take his jacket from the hanger.

“So you and Jae… For how long?” He asks without turning his back.

“Almost 10 months.” Changkyun replies. He ignores his idiotic heart rate.

Kihyun hums. “I’m not saying he is not a good guy but you could do better you know.”

Changkyun tries to hold his sarcastic comments at the behind of his tongue and he does, when a lightning catches his glance and he hears the sound of it afterwards. He forgets what he wants to say and his mind goes blank.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be leaving.” He takes his phone and headphones hurry because he has to go home immediately. He doesn’t feel good.

“Changkyun are you okay?” Kihyun fixes his collars after he wears the jacket and takes a few step closer to the younger who slightly shivers. When Changkyun doesn’t reply he follows his gaze to the window and realizes what happens.

“Changkyun it’s raining. If you want I can…” He reaches his hand out but younger dodges it, taking a few steps back.

“It’s okay. I don’t need your help.”

 

Changkyun gets out of the room with quick steps and moves to the elevator but it doesn’t work for some reason so he decides to take the stairs. He is at 15th floor so it will take him some time to get down but he goes down the stairs running and when he reaches 11th floor the power goes out.

Everything goes dark.

Changkyun blinks his eyes but he can’t see anything. He can’t even see the next step in front of him. He tries to slow his heart down by taking short breaths. He finds the corner of the stairs, following the wall with his hand, and leans his back to it. He tries to calm himself down and with shaking hands he takes his phone out of his pockets. He tries to punch Jooheon’s number but his hands shake so much with every thunder so he gives up, deciding to wait there until the rain stops. He slides down on the wall and sits wrapping his hands around his legs and closing his eyes tightly.

He takes short breaths and tries to focus but it doesn’t work.

The air stuck in his lungs and it doesn’t reach to his brain, at least Changkyun feels like that when his head starts to spin even though he is sitting. He fists his hands and digs his nails, thinking maybe pain will help him to have a solid ground.

Time pass.

Slow.

Changkyun doesn’t know how long he sits there. It could be 5 minutes or an hour. He doesn’t know. He feels numb and about to faint. He doesn’t know what’s going on so that’s why his brain doesn’t work with his body when somebody grabs his shoulders tightly, then his face. Soft, delicate but firm hands touch on his face and brushes tears away. Changkyun doesn’t know when he started to cry honestly.

“Changkyun can you hear me?”

He faintly follows the voice but later that can’t hear anything except his own heart, beating in his ears.

Hands unties Changkyun’s hands from his legs by force and pulls him. Changkyun feels his head hit something soft, a fabric. A hand presses his head to that softness and he can hear a heart beating.

It beats fast.

Scared, surprised, excited. Changkyun doesn’t know.

The hand on his head covers his ear that’s left out and suddenly all he can hear is that heart beating.

Irregular, fast and weirdly familiar.

Another hand goes up and down, trying to give him comfort and it works. At least he grasps the reality a little, although his body still shivers and he knows he is about to faint but it’s okay.

He trusts this hands.

“Baby, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” A soft voice whispers.

 _I like that word when you say it,_   Changkyun thinks before his mind go all foggy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I really really love reading them and talking with you!!  
> Soooo what do you think about it?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are doing well!! I already planned out how this fic is gonna go and end and I thought I could wrap the story in 7 chapters but since you insist and I want to tell this story right, I've decided to not rush things because things will be absurd if I do that so I'll add a few chapters more. For now I said it's gonna be 9 in total but we'll see.  
> So this new chapter, I hope you like this one as well.  
> Thank you for every kudos and comments!  
> I love when you talk with me because then I understand if you like the story or not.
> 
> as I always wish, have fun!!

_The feeling of the soft fabric on his bare body was pleasant. If Changkyun would be at his home in the same position, lying face down with a tie around his eyes, he’d be so uncomfortable but being in the thousands of dollars worth sheets made everything more delightful. His hand was dangling from the side of the bed, his face was on the blue stripped pillow and the blanket was only covering his ass. He felt so tired so he had no intention to move. Besides he could barely feel his legs. To check if he was okay he moved his toes slightly and clapped himself mentally because started to feel them again._

_Wow what a sex was that. Mind blowing and body aching._

_Well he wanted it to be rough and hard after all._

_Changkyun could hear the footsteps approaching and going away. Somebody opening the draws and closing them. He listened every little sound closely and he could almost see the pout on the elder’s face when he heard his sigh._

_“Don’t you think about moving?” It was like a health potion for Changkyun, the one he uses in the online games. Made his mood better._

_Changkyun shook his head slightly. He was comfortable there after all. Kihyun cleaned him up after their wild rounds and Changkyun rolled over his belly and decided to lay like that for the rest of his life._

_Or until lunch._

_“I don’t feel like it. My body is jelly, my legs don’t work.” He mumbled against the pillow with a groan. “I’ve been fucked for twice in a row you know.” He dipped his head into the pillow more but heard the other one’s chuckle. It sounded so divine._

_“Well you said that you wanted that Balenciaga bag so much.”_

_That was true though if he thinks about it. Changkyun fell in love with the bag the moment he saw it. It was black leather with gold zips. He could wear it with his blue Channel shirt, beige Dior sweatshirt or just place it on a chair and worship it._

_Still Changkyun didn’t reply the elder, he just continued lay there until he felt the bed sink in. In a second there were feathery touches on his back, fingertips drawing circles right above his tailbone._

_All of his sense woke up and a thrill started to take over him. As always whenever Kihyun touch him._

_“At least take off the tie from your eyes.” Kihyun moved his hand up and down, fully aware of Changkyun’s shivers under his touch._

_“You take it off.” Changkyun replied. “You are the one who tied it in the first place so you take it off.”_

_Kihyun hummed in response, leaving small kisses through his spine._

_“Here I thought…” He placed a kiss on Changkyun’s left shoulder. “…we could go another round.”_

_He slid down his hand under the cover, grabbing Changkyun’s ass cheek and squeezing it slightly as Changkyun pressed his face into the pillow more._

_It was sensual. He was feeling everything more because he couldn’t see. He liked this little games so much and he knew when the other one lied next to him, it was over. All his tiredness vaporized into air and an excitement took it’s place._

_He swallowed hard when he felt Kihyun moving his hand lower. The elder continued to trail kisses from his nape, to his cheek and after that the corner of his mouth. Changkyun could feel his lips near, he could smell the fresh cologne right there._

_“But if you are not in the mood…” He felt the other one getting off so he quickly removed the tie from his eyes and without gaining his sight completely, he grabbed the other one and pulled him on himself. Kihyun looked down at him with chuckle, his laughing voice was so beautiful. His hair was damped due to shower and his lips were pink. He placed a kiss on Changkyun’s forehead and this small gesture made Changkyun’s heart expand with affection._

_This man right there, with everything he had… was his._

_And he was Kihyun’s._

_One day he will say that. Changkyun knew he will say that._

_But for now he pulled the elder, clashing their lips together. Kihyun tasted like fruits and smelled like flowers. Changkyun pulled him more, tilted his head to deepen the kiss._

_When they stopped to get some air, Kihyun kissed his jaw and his neck._

_“So you are ready for round 3?” He whispered between pecks._

_Changkyun chuckled at him before he pulled the elder in for another kiss._

_“But this time I will cover your eyes.”_

 

********

 

 

Changkyun wakes up with a stupid headache. He scrunches his eyes before opening them and hiss at the pain at his temples. He turns to his side and press his head into the soft fabric.

Well it’s too soft.

Something is off becauseChangkyun smells a familiar cologne on the fabric but it’s not his. He slowly opens his eyes and sees everything a little bit blur. He scrubs his eyes and his vision gets clearer.

_Oh fuck._

He is in Kihyun’s room.

He recognizes it immediately. The walls are still that weird blue- Marrakesh Mystery Kihyun called the color, there is another bookshelf across the study table near the old one. Apparently the old one is filled already.

He holds his head in his hands. How the hell did he come here in the first place? Last thing he remember is how he couldn’t call Jooheon because his phone almost slipped out of his hand due to all his trembling. After that everything is blank.

Whatever it is, he needs to get out of this place. He could consider about sneaking out from the window if Changkyun didn’t know this is a penthouse. A big, fancy and expensive one. So scratch that idea. He could go out from the front door but he doesn’t know where the other one is. He thinks a few more minutes, evaluating his possibilities and in every single one of them, Kihyun gets him.

He always _gets_ him.

He curses in his mind when he hears the crack of the door opening slightly and a fresh pink colored hair pops in.

“Are you awake?”

Changkyun blinks his eyes a few times to recognize the person by the door.

“Hoseok hyung?” He asks in surprise.

The other one-Hoseok’s eyes light up and he quickly closes the door, rushing to Changkyun.

“Changkyun-ah!” He sits on the bed and hugs the younger who is surprised. The last time he saw the man, he was a crying mess. Changkyun feels embarrassed now that he remembers that memory but Hoseok seems to not remember it since he practically glows. And his hair adds a shine to his aura as well.

“It’s been a long time. Your hair looks nice.” Changkyun points his hair and Hoseok ruffles it with a smile.

“You know I like being bold. Besides I own everything, nobody can say anything even if they think about criticizing me.”

Changkyun nods with a smile. It’s nice to see him really. The elder is Kihyun’s bestfriend and business partner. Changkyun doesn’t know how much he knows his relationship with Kihyun but the elder always treated nice to Changkyun, he always cared. And for that Changkyun always felt grateful to him.

“Hyung it’s nice to see you but what are you doing here?” Changkyun remembers where he is again.

“Who do you think carried you down eleven floors?” Changkyun’s mouth opens in shock. Hoseok points himself before Changkyun can reply. “Me.”

“Ah…” Changkyun now realizes he fainted at the stairs. “I see.” He averts his eyes, feeling embarrassed.

Hoseok’s expression gets soft,understanding the younger is uncomfortable so he jokes. In his own way. “Kihyun is strong but he is like a hamster you know.”

He laughs and it’s contaigous, Changkyun smiles too.

“I’d be very happy if you don’t talk behind my back.”

Changkyun tenses with the voice, grabbing the sheets. His heart starts to break out his ribs, again.

“I can tell this to your face too you know.” Hoseok gets up but his fake smile is obvious. He must have sense the weird mood between Changkyun and Kihyun.

“See you later Changkyun-ah. Let’s catch up sometime.” He says with a sorry look and leaves them alone.

The room is big but Changkyun feels a lot more distance between himself and Kihyun. He can’t tear his eyes from the elder who stands in the middle of the room, one hand in his pocket the other one holding a glass. His jacket and tie are gone, his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows showing his lean muscles and his upper three button is open.

_Oh fuck._

He tilts his head a little and moves to Changkyun.

_Oh double fuck._

Kihyun comes near the bed and stands there looking at Changkyun who can’t tear his eyes like he is hypnotized.

“Mind if I sit?” He shows the small space. Changkyun wonders why he didn’t go to the other side.

He shrugs moving a little to open more space for elder to fit in. “It’s your bed after all.”

Kihyun carefully sits, Changkyun can see he is calculating his moves because he is doing the same thing too. He watches Kihyun’s every move. How he sits close but not close enough to touch. He holds a glass in his hand and he places his other hand just next to Changkyun’s. His eyes are soft but causios, his hair fall on them gives him a dangerous aura.

Dangerous enough for Changkyun to feel that stupid tug again. He looks so- Kihyun just looks so reachable. If he moves his hands, Changkyun can touch him. And he wants to touch him. He wants to grab Kihyun, pull him towards himself and clash their lips like he used to do. He feels that familiar fire inside his body and it burns so much. His chest hurts, even breathing hurts him and Changkyun knows only Kihyun can make him better.

But he can’t do anything can he?

He rubs his temple with his index and middle finger. His pain amplifies with his thoughts.

“I didn’t called Jae.” Kihyun says reaching to drawer next to bed and pulls out some pills.

Because he have a boyfriend and he is innocent.

“I thought it would be weird to explain this.” Kihyun offers him the glass and pills. They must be painkillers so Changkyun takes them, trying not to show he is shaking and wonders if Kihyun feels weird too.

He swallows the pills and drinks the water in one go, realizing how thirsty he is. He catches a smile on Kihyun’s face when he looks up but it’s gone in a second.

Kihyun is right. This is _weird._

He literally fainted in his arms like some damsel in distress and the elder had to took care of him. Changkyun feels utterly stupid for being in that position. If only he could dug up a hole and live there for the rest of his life.

Changkyun can understand why Kihyun helps him. It’s reasonable since Kihyun is a compassionate man, he can’t just leave a distressed person out there. Wasn’t this the whole story of how their relationship started at the first place anyway?

If only things were different now. Another different.

Changkyun averts his eyes and clears his throat.

“Thank you…” He sees the elder throw him a curious look. “…for helping me out earlier.”

Kihyun nods, biting his lip. Changkyun couldn’t help but follow his gestures.

“Of course. We have a history after all.”

The words bite Changkyun’s skin. History… It’s history now. True though, whatever they had, they lived is history now. Time passed and seasons changed. Now they both have different lives. Kihyun is more succesful and… And Changkyun has a boyfriend.

_Fuck, Jae._

Changkyun feels a guilt pooling in his stomach. He is with another man, his ex-sugar daddy and Changkyun is this close to lose his mind. Guilt is so heavy. But it’s gone the moment Kihyun say his name.

“Changkyun…” The name slips so casual from the elder’s lips but Changkyun can’t help but feel a shiver. He always loved to hear him calling out his name.

“We can’t keep avoiding each other.” Kihyun says and it gets harder for Changkyun to swallow. He smiles bitterly as the elder continues. “After all…”

“We have a history.” Changkyun finishes his sentence but words leave an ash taste in his mouth.

“Yes. So I think it would be better for us to get along.” Kihyun runs his hand in his hair. He looks damn hot. Changkyun wonders if he does that purposely? If he does than… For a second Changkyun realize how close they are. Not just their bodies but also their faces. Changkyun is sure Kihyun can hear his heart beats when they don’t speak. Changkyun wonders if his heart beats crazy like his own.

And he can’t help but think about forgetting everything. All that heartbreak, pain and tear. What would happen if Changkyun forget? What if he just close the distance for a minute? Would his heart stops aching so much?

“You are right.” He shifts a little and his fingers touch to Kihyun’s by mistake. However the elder seems unaffected. Changkyun feels frustrated, his lips twitch but he holds his façade.

He quickly removes his hand away as he clears his throat. “What do you suggest?”

“I mean…” Kihyun tilts his head. “We can be friends.” He blurts out like it’s the most normal thing he ever said. Like he just said there is lemon in lemonade. His face is unreadable but Changkyun is sure his own face burns hot.

Friends? It’s not normal and Changkyun’s mind go haywire. Being friends with Kihyun? The man who fucked him on this bed that they sit, on that chair at the corner, over that mahogany table, against that first bookshelf. It’s absurd and this is the last think he could think of at this matter.

Kihyun clasps his hands. “I know how this sounds but think about this. You and I will see each other often as long as you date with Jae. And I- we gotta see each other. Since you are planning on being with him for a long time…” Kihyun drags out the words. He looks at Changkyun under his eyelashes and Changkyun can see a question mark behind his eyes.

Changkyun takes a grip and quickly nods. “Yes of course. Of course. Yeah.” He repeats.

_Oh damn it._

“Great.” Kihyun looks around, letting a sigh. “Friends then.”

He reaches out his hand and Changkyun looks at it for a second. Being friends with Kihyun is stupid But he remembers Hyungwon’s words, he can’t keep running away Kihyun they have to see each other some time to time. Maybe this is not a bad idea. If he thinks of him other than his sugar daddy maybe Changkyun can control his stupid urges. So that’s why Changkyun reaches out his hand as well. Kihyun’s hand is soft and warm, it spreads hot wave inside Changkyun’s palm and he can feel the heat climbing inside his chest.

But also his heart hurts due to the words spilling from his lips.

“Yeah, friends.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So friends huh Kihyun?  
> Well...  
> What do you think dears? Tell me!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello so this is my celebration for starting of the world tour!!  
> Hope you will like this chapter.  
> Thank you for comments and kudos!!
> 
> Have fun~~

 

“So you talked and he asked you to be friends?” The black haired man asks, biting his finger as he thinks. Hyungwon who sits next to him on Changkyun’s bed grabs Minhyuk’s hand, lacing his fingers with Minhyuk’s to prevent him from doing that. It’s a bad habit the elder does when he overthinks.

Changkyun takes a dandelion patterned shirt from the floor and tuck it in his wardrobe. Minhyuk is questioning him since yesterday and it became really unbearable after some point so Changkyun just skipped the part where he fainted like a princess and just told him that he talked with Kihyun and they decided to stay as friends which Changkyun is really fine with it. He is fine. Cool.

“Yes hyung.” He gives up after a few tries and just throws the shirt inside. Minhyuk snorts at him with a laugh and Changkyun knows what he is thinking.

“You know we are two adults…”

“You drink chocolate milk Changkyun-ah. You are not an adult, you are a 3 year old baby.” Jooheon comes into the room, throwing himself on Changkyun’s bed next to raven haired couple, face down.

Changkyun glares at him. “We are two adults who are very capable of having a decent relationship.”

“Do you realize that these adults were in a money-sex relationship before?” Minhyuk rolls his eyes.

“What about it?” Changkyun shrugs.

Hyungwon let’s out a huff. “Well there are many things…”

“We are friends. I mean what’s so hard to understand hyungs?” Changkyun grabs a black buttoned up, wearing it with an attitude. He doesn’t like how he looks.

“Changkyun you are being an idiot now. If you think you can just be friends with someone you love-“

“I can. And I will. You will see.” Changkyun throws the shirt away. He can’t find anything to wear.

Jooheon gets up from the bed and goes inside. Changkyun finds a beige shirt at the bottom of his wardrobe and wears it on. He doesn’t like the combination of dark jeans and beige shirt so he takes it off and throws it on at the side of his bed, on top of his clothing mountain. He takes the red sweatshirt he tried as third and wears it again but no, it doesn’t suit again like the 5 minutes ago. He can feel the annoyed and curious look drilling behind his skull so he huffs, asking with a frustrated voice.

“What?”

Minhyuk who leans to his boyfriend’s shoulder and waits for him to pick something since forever, shrugs. “Nothing. It’s just… It’s weird.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes through the mirror, knowing the elder will see him. “You find everything that I do weird. Please hyung what now?”

“You are gonna introduce us to your boyfriend.” Hyungwon speaks.

“Right after the day you decided to be friends with Kihyun.” Minhyuk adds.

Changkyun can’t believe what they imply. “Me arranging a dinner with my boyfriend for you to meet him is weird?” He turns back and looks at the couple. “Minhyuk hyung pestered me to introduce you guys. Why is that weird now that I will?”

Minhyuk shrugs again. “You didn’t want us to meet for a long time even though I asked but yesterday you called me and said you want us to meet with him. I mean…” The elder shakes his leg from the bed. “Did something happen? Something that we don’t know about?”

“No.” Changkyun shakes his head immediately, trying to suppress the images that flood in his mind from yesterday when he was with Kihyun. That room was too familiar, the aura was too familiar but they were different, Kihyun and him. Time is like a current and it only flows to one direction and no matter what he does, Changkyun can’t bring the old memories back.

And he can’t bring them out now. Kihyun said he wanted to be friends which is fine for Changkyun. He is fine with the idea but the problem is that stupid tug he feels whenever he is around that brown haired man. It’s idiotic but Changkyun feels like Kihyun is the sun and when he enters Kihyun’s orbit he can’t get away. With each turn he gets closer and when Changkyun thinks about he can touch him, he burns.

Just like yesterday.

And the universe does it’s best to make him feel burdened.

When he left the house, denying his _friend’s_ offer to give him a lift, his boyfriend called him and Changkyun learned that the other was stuck to a last-moment meeting and he couldn’t call Changkyun to say that. Changkyun felt sorry when he heard the other’s apologizes because he didn’t think about Jae that much for that last couple of hours. He was too close to the sun and ready to burn again.

And that idea alone did afraid him.

Feeling guilty and irresponsible Changkyun wanted to make this up to his boyfriend. Because he is important. Because Changkyun cares about him. Because Jae is his boyfriend. So he decided to have dinner with his friends and boyfriend to introduce them to each other, thinking it’s time. Jae was asking to meet his friends for a few weeks and Minhyuk was torturing him to arrange a dinner so that seem the best idea to show Jae is important to him.

“Wear this. This blue shirt is nice.” Jooheon comes in and throws him the shirt in his hand. Changkyun wears it and feels content with his look.

“Thank you for saving me as always hyung.” He smooches the black haired cheek before he goes out of the room with the others behind him.

“I still can’t believe that you are introducing us to your boyfriend.” Jooheon checks his hair for the last time before they get out.

Changkyun throws his black jacket on. “Well it was time.”

“If you say so.” He hears Hyungwon mutter when he wears his sneakers.

They all go out and Jooheon and Minhyuk race to get the front seat. Jooheon wins and Minhyuk sits at the back with a cute pout on his face. Changkyun laughs at how childish they are. Nobody would think one of them as a composer and the other one as an arhitect.

“They are idiots.” He laughs with Hyungwon who has a gummy smile on his face. Hyungwon nods at his words but when they move to get in the car, he holds Changkyun’s arm. Changkyun looks at the hand on his arm curiosly, lifting his eyebrow to the elder in a questioning way. Hyungwon swallows like he wants to say something but he doesn’t know what to say. He looks at the younger.

“What hyung?” Changkyun tilts his head. “Let’s go. We’ll be late.”

“Changkyun whatever you are trying to prove…” Hyungwon bites his lips, looking thoughtful. “…it doesn’t matter if you don’t want that. You don’t have to show anything. We love you. We always love you for who you are and we support you no matter what.”

Dumbfounded by his hyung’s words Changkyun blinks a few times, trying to understand what he says. “Hyung, I—“

Hyungwon pats his shoulder in an assuring way. “I’m just saying.” He doesn’t wait for younger to reply and takes the driver seat.

Changkyun stands there for a minute, thinking what he said. He let’s out a long sigh before he opens the car’s door to get in.

Hyungwon must have say that words for nothing because he doesn’t try to prove anything.

 

 

*******

 

 

“It’s been two hours but you guys didn’t tell how did you meet!!” Jooheon tells with a big enthusiasm as he throws a chicken piece to his mouth. He slightly slurs. A certain prove that he is drunk.

They’ve been drinking non-stop since they met and Changkyun doesn’t know how many bottles they finished. The waiter comes and goes, bringing everything they asked and from the plates infront of them he can say that Minhyuk asked many things. Maybe to test if Jae will say anything to him or because he wanted to try. Changkyun doesn’t know. He let his friend be as always since his boyfriend is next to him which is odd because Hyungwon doesn’t talk that much. He usually doesn’t talk much but this time really doesn’t talk that much and it really takes Changkyun’s attention. At least the part where he is not drunk because he also doesn’t remember how much he drank.

“Aren’t you guys gonna tell us?” Minhyuk lifts his spoon, pointing them with half-opened eyes.

Yeah Jooheon asked about how they met. Changkyun thinks about it for a second, trying to remember how. It was at a party he supposes. Maybe a friend introduced them. There were people for sure.

Jae looks at him with a smile. “We met at a charity cocktail. He asked money from me.” He laughs.

“Old habits die hard.” Jooheon snorts and earn a kick under the table. He touches his knee where Changkyun hit and looks at him with a hurt face but Changkyun ignores.

“How come?” Hyungwon takes a sip from his wine.

“Well he was on this club where they do charity works for unfortunate people and I wanted to look what they are doing so I went there. I was planning on giving some money but I lost something more valuable.” He giggles at himself and Changkyun can see he is drunk too.

“What? Your wallet?” Jooheon asks in horror like Jae said the most dreadful thing in the world.

Jae shakes his head slightly. He reaches and pulls Changkyun for a kiss. “My heart.”

Changkyun blushes at his words and hides his face with his hands. Alcohol really gets him. “Stop saying things like that.”

“It’s good that he took yours because he already gave his one away.” Jooheon laughs at them and Changkyun’s heart drop down to the floor in a second. Suddenly he feels more sober than he should be and afraids for his boyfriend to question what Jooheon said but thankfully he doesn’t. He just smiles and looks at Changkyun and leans in for another kiss but Changkyun stops him.

“I think we should go home now.”

The others agree and Changkyun collects them one by one with Hyungwon-their driver- after they pay the bill. They go outside to the parking lot and the trio moves away to Jooheon’s car as Jae pulls Changkyun by the wrist to a slightly dark side of the parking lot where his own car is.

Changkyun surprises with his sudden move but he surprises more when Jae leans into kiss him. He tastes bitter and his breath smells alcohol, making Changkyun’s head dizzy. Changkyun wants to break the kiss but Jae kisses him with a little bit force. He puts his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder to push him away but he can’t, instead Jae pushes him until his back hits the car. Changkyun feels a little pain on his back but he ignores when Jae stops kissing him.

“Come with me.” He kisses Changkyun’s jaw.

It’s obvious that he wants to go home. Something Changkyun doesn’t feel ready.

“I gotta- I gotta go. My friends are waiting.” Changkyun tries to move away but maybe because of alcohol, Jae looks and sounds more persistent than ever.

“You always run away.” He places a kiss on his neck. Changkyun’s pulse is beating at his ears. He is afraid.

“I’m not—It’s not the place.” He wiggles to get out of his embrace. Jae stops, looking at him with fiery eyes. His hold in Changkyun’s wrist tightens and it hurts so much. He feels his breath stuck in his lungs and everything gets more hazy.

“Stop. Jae please let go. You are hurting me.” Changkyun says but the other one doesn’t listen as he crashes his lips on Changkyun’s.

“Changkyun!” He hears someone call his name and Jae stops immediately setting him free. Changkyun takes a deep breath when Hyungwon comes next to them. He never felt this happy to see him. The elder looks at Jae who is swaying and Changkyun who looks like he is about to cry but he doesn’t say anything. Hyungwon leans in, putting his hands inside Jae’s pockets and Changkyun can’t understand what he is doing because he is too unfocused to think. Hyungwon takes out something from Jae’s pocket- his car keys and pulls Changkyun next to him.

“Take a cab.” He says and turns away with pulling the younger with him to their car.

Hyungwon helps him gets inside the car and Changkyun closes the door, locking it. They go directly to the home and he doesn’t want to talk so he ignores Hyungwon who puts Jooheon to the bed and makes bed for himself and Minhyuk on the sofa. Changkyun quickly goes to his room. He changes his clothes and goes to bathroom to splash some water on his face. When he gets in his head buzz less and the adrenaline cools down so he can digest the things that happened. He sees his expression-scared in the mirror and now realizing what happened, he starts to cry. He can see the purple finger shaped bruises on his right wrist as he tries to wash them away. But they don’t go and they hurt when he touch them. So Changkyun cries more. Tears roll down from his cheeks without stopping and he feels so stupid. He wants to smash his heads to the walls. He feels so hurt both inside and outside.

Why can’t he just accept Jae? Why?

 

 

*******

 

 

The next day Changkyun decides to ignore everything that happened to think about it at a better time. He needs to do something right now so he goes to Hyunwoo’s cafe to help him out. The elder greets him happily.

“I’m glad that you decided to say yes Kyun-ah.” Hyunwoo smiles, his eyes vanishes when he does that.

“I need to keep my head off from some things hyung.” Changkyun says as he ties the apron.

He decided to help Hyunwoo at the coffee shop because he has nothing else to do and he doesn’t want to think about some certain stuff. When he woke up Jooheon was still sleeping but Hyungwon and Minhyuk were gone because both of them works at jobs that need them at 9 am sharp. So it was a big chance for Changkyun to cover what happened yesterday. Honestly he doesn’t want to think because whenever he thinks about it, his stomach flips. In a bad way.

“Okay than. Let’s start.” Hyunwoo claps his hands and they start to work. More accurately he shows Changkyun his coffee machines, some of them are familiar to Changkyun and two machines is a new tech. He knows how to make bills and etc so he remembers and learns everything in an hour. After that, the time pass fast and before he knows it’s lunch time.

There is no one inside at this hour because they usually come after lunch, Hyunwoo said before he went inside the kitchen to wash the cups. Changkyun just sits there, scrolling his phone when he hears the door bell ring.

“Welcome!” He lifts his gaze to meet the customer but stops in shock when Kihyun walks in. He wears a long beige trench coat with a navy suit inside. His hair is styled back and Changkyun feels like the first time they met.

Kihyun did waltz into his life like this.

“Hi friend.” Kihyun smiles bright enough to blind Changkyun.

“Hi friend.” Changkyun replies with an absent- minded way. He wants to slap his lips. And his chest. That stupid tug. Makes Changkyun forgets and partially blind to everything that doesn’t relate to Kihyun.

He almost doesn’t see Jae who follows him.

“Love!” He calls out and Changkyun slightly flinches because of his voice. He ignored Jae’s every call since the morning because he didn’t want to hear him and it was a right decision from what he can gather because his stomach aches more.

“What are you guys doing here?” He smiles forcefully. He doesn’t want Kihyun to think anything wrong.

“I wanted to see you, you didn’t answer my calls or texts.” Jae leans to the counter as Kihyun eyes them with a keen look when he hears Jae. He monitors them and he has an unreadable expression on his face when Changkyun realizes Kihyun’s look stuck on his wrist.

_Shit._

Some of the bruises are visible and Changkyun can see Kihyun’s slightly off and curious look. He quickly pulls his sleeve on them and of course Kihyun realize that. He directs his gaze on Jae who looks at Changkyun and Changkyun feels nervous.

“Oh…” He stutters. “I- I see.”

Just that moment Hyunwoo comes from the back with a tray filled with glasses in his hand.

_Oh double shit._

This is the worst combination he can ever have in his life. He never wanted Hyunwoo and Kihyun to meet and here they are in the same room. Changkyun hopes the elder doesn’t speak but of course the universe doesn’t favor him, again.

“Welcome gentlemen. What can we get you?”

Jae smiles at him. “We are not customers. I’m Changkyun’s boyfriend and this is my boss, Kihyun.”

Kihyun slightly nods, greeting him.

Hyunwoo puts the tray on the counter and reaches out his hand to shake theirs.

“So you are Changkyun’s friends?” He asks and Jae nods. “I’m Hyunwoo, Changkyun’s friend from childhood.” He grabs Jae’s hand and shakes.

“Ahhh you are Shownu from orphanage?” Jae asks as Hyunwoo grabs Kihyun’s hand to shake and Changkyun feels like somebody did throw him a bucket full of ice. His heart rate gets higher when he see Kihyun’s eyes darts to him and Hyunwoo quickly.

“Yeah that’s me. But it’s an old alias. I don’t use that now.” Hyunwoo shrugs and adds. “Are you gonna take this with you buddy?” Kihyun looks at the hand he’s been holding like five minutes and he releases his grab with frown.

“Sorry.” He mutters but he doesn’t tear his eyes from Changkyun who has an urge to dig himself a hole and hide in it asap. Why nothing goes just how the things go? Why does he have to be in situations that his mind or his heart can’t handle? Why does he feels like he is about to cry?

Hyunwoo and Jae start to chat and Changkyun can’t help but watch Kihyun.

Kihyun looks like he just cracked some puzzle, he has that weird face that he had when he correctly answers a question. Changkyun can see the gears in his head turn and lightbulbs are turning on. This was the last thing he wanted to happen.

A lot of expression pass on his face in a moment. Anger, sadness, hurt, blame, grief, regret, remorse…

Changkyun prays that they are not alone because he doesn’t want to deal with this now. So when Jae asks for an Americano, he quickly gets inside the kitchen to hide with alibi to bring coffee beans. He releases the breath he was holding. He slowly makes the coffees- one for Kihyun- prolonging to face with him again but that’s the thing with coffee. You can’t bake it, you can’t cook it. It takes 5 minutes at most so Changkyun has to turn back again.

“Baby…” He hears the word and flinches.

“I hate when you say that.” He says without looking at his boyfriend.

“Look…” He comes closer, turning Changkyun to face him. “I’m sorry.”

Changkyun looks at him and Jae looks really sincere with his words. But also his wrist hurts.

“I don’t want to see you.” He shakes Jae’s hands who looks hurt.

“But- I didn’t mean—“

“I don’t care.” Changkyun says. “I don’t care. I don’t want to see you, so leave.”

Jae smiles nervously. He takes a few step back with unbelieving eyes, clearly he didn’t expect this reply. “Is that it?”

Changkyun bites his lips. “Yeah.”

Jae looks at him with a disbelief in his eyes and Changkyun feels nothing. He brushes pass Jae and goes inside the cafe with the cups in his hands, Jae follows him. He places the cups on the counter.

Kihyun looks at Jae who grabs their coffees and leave the cafe without saying anything and he follows the other. He doesn’t say anything too. Why though? Changkyun thought he would want to stay and talk but he literally looked like he was itching to leave.

It kinda breaks Changkyun’s spirit.

“Minhyuk is coming tonight right?” Hyunwoo asks as he take the glasses and put them on the shelf. Changkyun sighs. He forgot about that so he quickly sends a message to Minhyuk who replies immediately with a yes.

“Yes hyung.” He goes to help Hyunwoo.

 

 

*******

 

 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon come to the apartment in a devilish look. They are the power couple in this friend circle, everybody knows that but when they wear red leather and silk they show that they are the ultimate power couple.

Changkyun let them- mostly Minhyuk- dress him. And when they enter the bar, he feels satisfied when he sees everybody’s eyes on him because he wears that blue see-through shirt and black leather pants. Minhyuk did some make up and Changkyun knows he looks like a doll and he wants to look like that because he needs attention. He feels so much tension lately and he decided to throw everything in the wind and have fun. At least for tonight.

They meet with Hyunwoo and he takes them to the back, introducing them to the owner of the bar. The bar really looks modern and seems like the crowd is really interested in this place because there is a lot of people. After that they go inside, find a table and send selcas to Jooheon who had to work they enjoy themselves. As the night rolls Hyungwon takes the DJ booth because it’s a thing he do at his free times and Minhyuk fanboys over his boyfriend as Changkyun watches them with a grin on his face.

After thirty minutes more Changkyun finds himself near the bar drinking his third glass of the bar’s special cocktail. He feels partly free when he doesn’t think about anything. Like his intention, he has fun, flirting with strangers and taking compliments from others. Changkyun knows he is charming. Maybe not beautiful as Minhyuk or good portioned like Hyungwon but he knows he is good too. So he let’s people buy him drinks, enjoying the attention they give to him. But Changkyun was never good with alcohol and this cocktail is strong enough for him to see illusions.

Like clouds in the air.

Like purple hearts above the people who kiss on the dance floor.

Like Kihyun. Who wears a white silk shirt with black tight jeans. Who looks like an angel under those spot lights, shining on him as he walks through the dance floor. He looks dreamy and Changkyun’s heart quickens even with the idea of him.

Except Kihyun looks too _real_ to be fake. He gets closer each second and stops in front of Changkyun who blinks at him. He is drunk but he is not that drunk.

Kihyun is really there.

He quickly gets on his feet. “What are you doing here?”

Kihyun looks at him. He really looks at him from up and down. Changkyun can see his own lips are itching to curve up. He knows he look like a total cake. So he feels content when Kihyun swallows before he answers. “Hyunwoo invited me.” He sounds like an angel. “He invited me and Jae actually but Jae had a thing so he couldn’t come.”

Of course Hyunwoo invited him. That idiot teddy bear is too oblivious. And of course Jae didn’t come. It’s better anyway.

“Okay.” Changkyun bottoms up the drink. It’s bitter.

“Look Changkyun…” Kihyun comes closer and Changkyun knows what he will say.

“It doesn’t matter now.” He shrugs and Changkyun can see the painful look on Kihyun’s face.

“It doesn’t matter now _friend_.” Changkyun presses on the last word with a smile. Kihyun nods slowly and Changkyun wants him to push more, ask him until he answers but he doesn’t. Kihyun was never a person who likes to corner him. So he leaves Kihyun there, throwing himself at the middle of the dance floor. He doesn’t care what’s going on, his mind is clouded due to alcohol and frankly he doesn’t want to know what’s going on. He doesn’t want to think. He came here to have fun so he will do that.

So Changkyun dances like there is no tomorrow. He grinds people he can find, throws his hands at anyone, pulling them close. He touches others and let them touch him. He feels free. And he also knows Kihyun is watching him and that gives him thrills. He wants to show him what he lost, he wants to let him know that he is desirable. So he just let’s go until he feels so dizzy. He doesn’t know what time is it or for how long he was on the dance floor as he sways towards the bathroom. He takes a few steps but stumbles, missing a non-existent step. Oddly he doesn’t fall because someone catch him and pull him to the darker part of the bar.

He laughs at himself.

Because he _knows_.

Changkyun leans back to the wall with a smug smile on his face. He is glossed with sweat and his shirt is glued on him, making his body look more visible. He knows how he looks now and recognize the bewildered look on the elder’s face. He enjoys the hunger he sees, he enjoys the rush that fills and run inside his body. It feels exciting. He feels alive.

“What happened friend?” He asks with an innocent look.

Kihyun’s eyes roam on his face, his breath heavy and Changkyun can smell the small hint of alcohol.

“You know what?” He cups Changkyun’s head. His hands are soft and warm.

“Fuck _friends_.”

And Changkyun smirks when Kihyun crashes their lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think??  
> Tell me~~~~~~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever isn't it?  
> But I'm back!!  
> I hope you'll like the chapter~~~  
> Tell me if you do^^

Hot.

The club is hot.

Changkyun’s skin is hot.

Even the damn wall feels hot. It’s like sun stepped on earth and shines right in front of Changkyun, causing him to burn both inside and outside. At least he feels like that when Kihyun presses himself on more, kisses Changkyun almost enough to bruise his lips. Changkyun places his hand on the elder’s neck, pulls Kihyun to himself more. He feels his nails dig on the skin and Kihyun hiss during their kiss but he doesn’t care.

Changkyun feels as though he’s about to melt into a puddle. As though the heat from Kihyun’s breath seeps into him with ever moment their mouths collide. The kiss sends bolts in his ever nerve. Kihyun’s hands roam his body, trying to pull the younger to himself more. It’s desperate. Kihyun breaks the kiss to take a breath but he doesn’t let go. Changkyun tilts his head to the side, he can feel the tip of Kihyun’s nose lightly grazing the side of his neck and he lets out a low moan smothered by the loud music and clutches at Kihyun's robes.

Changkyun opens his eyes for a second, realizing they are at the dark side of the corner away from the eyes and feels grateful. He may pull Kihyun to an available bathroom stall or let him take his body anywhere. He feels like his body is burning, he is good with anything.

His eyes finds his friends and another familiar face takes his attention. A tall, black haired handsome guy talks with his friends Hyungwon and Minhyuk. He slightly turns to his side, causing Changkyun to feel like someone just throw him a bucket of ice water. Changkyun closes his eyes for a second and tries to grab some sense. He opens his eyelids again and yes that’s Jae.

He yanks Kihyun’s head slightly but he doesn’t take his lips off from Changkyun’s jaw. As intoxicated as it is, Changkyun should stop because Jae looks around, his eyes brushing where Changkyun stands but thank God it’s dark so he misses Changkyun.

He looks for Changkyun.

Who is in a very inappropriate situation with Kihyun. Inappropriate part is debetable though.

Anyway.

Fuck this.

“Oh no.” Changkyun’s brain goes short circuit for a second when he feels Kihyun’s right hand starts to slide down. If he goes down there, none of his reasonable brain cells that can process what’s going on will be able to function. Changkyun’s gotta collect his commonsense from where it lies. He feels dizzy and everything is hazy but he gets some grip, thinking about how he looks. He is pressed to the wall. Kihyun trails kisses from his jaw to his neck, hands on Changkyun’s hips. He should stop. Changkyun doesn’t know what Jae will do if he sees them like this so he mutters the words out loud. Kihyun pauses and turns at him, eyes glossy and fill with want.

It’s hard for him to do that, not when he feels so aroused but Changkyun looks at him for a second without blinking and shakes his head. Kihyun looks confused, his eyes roam on the younger’s face and his mouth opens when Changkyun pushes him from his shoulders. He shakes his head like he just wake up from a dream and looks away.

“No.” Changkyun shakes his head. He feels regret when he sees Kihyun’s pained face, almost enough to feel his eyes sting. “I can’t do this.” He pushes Kihyun away more, ignoring the hurt on his face. He takes a breath and turns but lean fingers catches his wrist.

“We need to talk.” Kihyun says in a hoarse voice. His face turns something Changkyun can’t decypher. Desperate? “Please.”

“Not now.” Changkyun tries to get free himself from the elder and go away but Kihyun doesn’t let him. His eyes darts to Jae and Changkyun. He must have noticed.

Changkyun sighs and looks at Kihyun’s hand still holding his wrist. Not firm, he is gentle but the grasp is enough to hold Changkyun there. He doesn’t have another choice but to say…“I’ll come to you don’t worry. I will.”

Kihyun studies his face with a worried expression but then he untangle his hold. Still Changkyun can read the hesitation in his eyes. It’s visible. “I will come to you and then we will talk.” Changkyun repeats himself and turns away, walking fast towards the standing three man.

He gets more sober with each step. Thedistance is not that long so he just closes the gap in a few seconds. He comes next to Jae whose face light up and turns painful right at the moment he sees Changkyun.

Oh God.

Changkyun is not drunk enough to do this.

He takes a breath before he talks. His head starts to get hurt already.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hyunwoo hyung invited me.” Jae throws him a smile but Changkyun rolls his eyes. Minhyuk scoffs and mutters something to Hyungwon who shush at him. Jae bows his head slightly, he takes a step closer to Changkyun. “Can we talk?”

Changkyun rolls his eyes again. “Why do everybody want to talk with me today? I mean does calender say ‘Let’s all go and have a chat with Changkyun’??” He huffs, squeezing his eyes once. “I just wanted to have some fun.”

“Changkyun are you okay?” Hyungwon asks with a genuine concern, holding younger’s shoulder. “You don’t have to talk with him if you don’t want to.” He throws a threatening look to Jae.

“Yes Kyunnie. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” Minhyuk nods, stating he is behind his boyfriend and friend.

“I’m here to apologize guys. I mean well.” Jae says with a guilty voice.

Changkyun draws a short breath and stares at the floor. He doesn’t want to cause any problems. So he nods at his friends to assure them.

“It’s okay hyungs.”

Changkyun knows he should talk with Jae. He knows this. They had an argument but it wasn’t enough to severe their ties. Not that there are any ties that bound them together. It’s clear for Changkyun that he doesn’t wish for it to be. Changkyun knows he wants to break up and maybe having this talk will be good. Of course he would prefer doing it on a more proper time and place, not in some bar while he is drunk but he has no choice. Their talk earlier wasn’t a break-up speech, it was more like a _let’s not talk for a while_ talk. Apparently Jae didn’t get the memo and he is here.

And Kihyun is here too.

Because he is watching them from the spot Changkyun left him minutes ago. Shadow and lights throws shades on his face but Changkyun can see his clenched jaw.

Changkyun can’t do this here.

“Okay. Let’s talk.” He tells with a tired voice and gestures Jae to follow him.

Hyungwon stops him. “Are you sure?”

Changkyun smiles at him. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back.”

Changkyun leads Jae to the back door. It opens to an alley, there is no one so it’s a good place to talk considering he has no other choice. Changkyun doesn’t want to go to a cafe or anything. He just wants to tell whatever he needs to say and get rid of whatever is pressuring on his heart.

He turns to the guy, hands in his pocket. “What do you wanna talk?”

Jae fidgets his hands. He looks stressed and Changkyun can understand he feels guilty due to his behaviour. He almost feels sorry for him.

“I’m sorry. Changkyun I just… I’m sorry.” Jae bites his lips. “I’m sorry for acting like that. I know I did wrong and you deserve better. I shouldn’t have just come onto you and force you. I just wanted to be with you, you know what I mean? It’s just… I mean…” He stops, shrugging his shoulders.

“You mean what?” Changkyun quirks an eyebrow.

Jae puffs. “It’s just we’re dating for months and you never… You just…”

“What?” Changkyun cuts him. “I don’t sleep with you?”

“Yes. And I’m a man. I wanted… I wanna go further with you.” Jae replies, looking around

“Why?” Changkyun blinks in confusion.

“Because I love you.”

Ah.

He said _it._

Changkyun knew he would say this at some point in their relationship. Truth to be told it was Jae who was more invested in this relationship and Changkyun knew it in his heart. So he tried to convince himself to feel the same but from the heavy feeling he feels right now on his chest, guilt, he can say he doesn’t feel the same. Not towards to Jae anyway. Changkyun thought he could love the man because Jae is a good person in his core but he couldn’t do it. True, Changkyun likes how he behaves and maybe like him too, but love Jae? That’s not possible. Not when his heart is occupied to the fullest anyway.

So he replies whispering. “I don’t.” He wants to look away but he knows Jae heard him because his eyes goes wide and he looks surprised.

“What?” The taller asks.

Changkyun let’s out a breath, crosses his arms around his torso. There is no going back.

“I don’t love you Jae. I tried. Believe me I tried so hard but it just didn’t work. I thought I could love you but I just… I couldn’t. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who can love you back and that’s not me. I’m sorry. It’s better if we just end this now.” Changkyun digs his nails to his arms. He throws a look at Jae and feels guilty when he sees unshed tears.

The taller one blinks his eyes, trying to grasp the situation.

“But… But it’s okay. I don’t care. You can just love me in time.” He nods his head, gazing around like he is gathering his thoughts. “I can wait. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Changkyun opens his arms in denial, his shoulders slump down. “It’s not okay Jae. I can’t love you. I told you I tried. I just can’t control my heart.”

Changkyun wishes this conversation to be over.

“Why?” Jae takes a step towards him, thinking hard. He gestures awkwardly between himself and Changkyun. “We have a connection. I don’t understand why you can’t love me. It’s not like I’m saying you to do it right now. I’m giving you time and you can have all the space you want. If you could just… Oh…” He stops, face changing to an unreadable expression. “There is someone else.”

Changkyun’s stomach drops to the ground. He glances at Jae and fears for a second when Jae takes a steps towards him. He also takes a step back without noticing.

“There is someone else, right?” Jae searches Changkyun’s face and nods like he found what he looked for when he doesn’t reply. “Yes. You are in love with someone else.”

Changkyun opens his mouth to say no, yes, anything but he can’t just form any word. Although he didn’t cheat on Jae, he feels like he betrayed him somehow.

His jaw trembles. “I… Jae… I-“

“Tell me who is it?” Jae asks again, his voice starts to give away his anger. “Were you seeing him all this time?”

“No! It’s not like _that_!” Changkyun shakes his head in denial.

Jae narrows his eyes, he doesn’t believe his words. “You were sleeping with him weren’t you?”

“No!” Changkyun denies. “No I wasn’t.”

“All this time I thought I was doing good to give you space but you did what? You cheated on me? Me? Tell me Changkyun, did you decide to dump me because now I’m not your dream guy since I lost my father’s company?”

“Please Jae I—“ His words cut off when Jae grabs his shoulders and shakes him.

“You used me Changkyun. Why did you do that?” He yells. It’s terrifying.

“I swear I didn’t cheat on you Jae. Please believe me.” Changkyun holds Jae’s hands, trying to shake them off because they are hurting. “It’s someone I can’t forget. He is from the past. I thought I moved on but I didn’t. I’m sorry for doing this to you but believe me I never betrayed you.” Jae pushes him to the wall and Changkyun hits his head, hard enough to see small dots flying. “I’m sorry but I can’t date you anymore.”

“You used me as a healing patch then. While I was giving my heart to you.” Changkyun hears Jae mutter and drops his hands to his sides.

“I’m sorry.” Changkyun replies, defeated. Jae shakes his head in disbelief and pushes him towards the wall again. Not that hard like the previous one but enough to hurt. Changkyun probably had it coming so he doesn’t say anything.

Jae’s face is twisted with anger and sadness. “You are disgusting.” The venom in the taller’s words bite Changkyun’s skin as he leaves. He doesn’t turn back. He just goes, leaving Changkyun whose heart feels heavier with guilt.

Changkyun slides from the wall and sits down. His head is pounding, his heart is racing. He feels like he is gonna throw up so he pulls his legs towards him. He leans his head back, trying to get some air to his lungs but it doesn’t go well. He feels he can’t breath like something is closing his airway. Guilt, pain, realization, guilt, love, hate, guilt. Anything. His body just doesn’t cooparate with him as he wishes.

Changkyun touches at the back of his head and he knows there is blood. He doesn’t need to check his fingers. The pain on his back stings. Changkyun just broke up with his boyfriend and he probably has a brain concussion but he feels… relieved. And he knows the reason why. He wants to slap himself for being such a hypocrite but it was true that he never committed himself enough to this relationship. He wasn’t that excited about it but it’s not totally his fault. Changkyun turned down Jae a few times but he was persistent until the point Changkyun replied with a ‘yes’. At the start Changkyun thought maybe he could just get over Kihyun and find someone else. And Jae was a beckon of hope for him. As the days went by he loved Jae, or now he realizes he thought he loved. Changkyun was just faking it. He was faking it to his friends, family, Jae, even to himself. And it was okay until he’s back in Korea. Seeing Kihyun brought back all that damn feelings, the ones Changkyun tried so hard to wipe. And eventually he couldn’t manage to do that.

Changkyun lets out a breath and takes one in, feeling the breeze on his face. He wishes he could just love Jae. Then he wouldn’t feel so damn guilty knowing this is his fault.

The thing with Kihyun too, his fault. Changkyun knows that but still the selfish part of him blames Kihyun. It’s easier that way. More bearable.

Oh right. Kihyun. Changkyun should get up and find the guy. He promised to talk with him after all. He doesn’t know how it’s gonna go but Changkyun hopes it will be better than the one with Jae. He tries to get up but his head hurt like somebody is hitting him with a hammer so he decides he needs a few more moments before he do that.

He squeezes his eyes closed, trying to focus on the music. It’s a familiar one. One of the songs he listened in that red mercedes with Kihyun when they went somewhere. The smile on his face and eyes turning into cresent…

And fuck it, all those times he spent with Kihyun haunts him with the melody. Like this fight, the talk he’s about to do are not enough, it brings his memories and old sentiments back.

Changkyun was so inexperienced back then. When he met with Kihyun and things rolled into their places, he didn’t know what kind of barriers he should’ve put on his heart. Sure Changkyun flirted with people and slept with them before but they were just flings, casual things. The thing he had with Kihyun was different, he felt different. Kihyun was too attentive, he liked to talk and he looked like he was interested in Changkyun. And Changkyun dropped bits of his being to him, talk with him about his life, slowly giving his heart away. He did like getting all that expensive clothes, techs and jewelry at first but as their dates went by and they started to spend more and more time together, it turned something more than just fun for Changkyun. He started to look forward Kihyun’s calls and texts.

And he got lost at some point because he wasn’t sure what it was like on Kihyun’s end. Changkyun didn’t know how he actually felt about their arrangement because they barely talked about it. Changkyun didn’t know how to talk to Kihyun without the risk of coming across as clingy. He didn’t mean to made things complicated by admitting attachment, or ever lost control on his own emotions because he knew then, it would be over. They would be done and he would never get another chance to be with him in anyway. Changkyun knew that.

But still his heart was hurt and he was missing Kihyun when he couldn’t see him.

And eventually he admitted his extreme feelings can’t be just some sort of attraction so he decided to talk with Kihyun. But the day was so wrong, it was the worst timing because Hyunwoo called him on the way, saying he is in trouble with local mob and he owes them a lot. His voice was broken and Changkyun feared to death. Changkyun had to help his friend and he needed to find money, as quick as possible. He called his friends to ask some money but Minhyuk and Hyungwon were at their hometown, Jooheon was broke. Even if they had money, still the amount wouldn’t be enough to pay the half of the debt. So Changkyun decided that he could sell his items. Things Kihyun bought to him. It was a hard decision but he had to. He sold some things, things he did wish to keep forever but his friend was in danger. After he got the money he went to Hyunwoo and his heart broke into million pieces when he saw bruises on his hyung’s face. They payed the debt and freed Hyunwoo from the gang. Changkyun took Hyunwoo to Jooheon and they nursed him back to health. In the mean time Changkyun couldn’t find time to meet with Kihyun because Jooheon’s lessons were going on and Changkyun could study from home so he stayed with Hyunwoo. Besides he didn’t know how to explain things.

A week later when he finally found a chance to see Kihyun, Changkyun rushed to the guy. He got dressed properly, did his hair, walked around skipping until he reached Kihyun’s home. He was so happy to see him and he wanted to explain his lack of presence, why he couldn’t go to him sooner but when he got inside the house he faced with a Kihyun whose face looks like a stone wall. Changkyun remembers how his heart sank when Kihyun said it’s not love what Changkyun feels, he just likes the opportunities Kihyun can offer. Changkyun’s heart broke with every word that left the elder’s pretty mouth and eventually it turned into dust, when Kihyun said this money relationship should end.

Changkyun looks at his hands, remembering how the blood crescent shapes inside his right palm looked that they because he digged his nails into it so hard.

Like he is doing now.

He wipes his tears away with the back of his clenched fists but they just keep on coming. Changkyun remembers how he felt like dying after he left Kihyun’s house and he feels that emotions now too. Damn music.

Changkyun feels stupid. The problem is that he just wants to go inside. Despite the all that hurt, he just wants to go back inside, pull Kihyun into a bathroom and let him fuck himself until Changkyun forgets his name.

Because that’s how much he loves him, still.

Changkyun drops his head on his knees, sobbing quietly. He doesn’t know how long it takes but he doesn’t lift his head when he feels someone grabs his shoulders. He doesn’t need to take a glance because he knows it’s Kihyun who untangle his fingers from fists and slides his owns in Changkyun’s palm.

“Changkyun.” Kihyun’s voice is cautious. “Are you okay?” The elder touches Changkyun’s nape and Changkyun hisses with pain.

“Oh my god your head! What happened? Changkyun look at me!” Kihyun grabs Changkyun's shoulders and panic in his voice is almost touchable.

“Nothing.” Changkyun replies but even he doesn’t believe it.

“Did he do this to you? That fucking bastard did this to you?” Kihyun holds Changkyun’s face with both his hands, trying not to touch at the thumping area. It hurts.

“No hyung it’s okay. Can we just go?” Changkyun murmurs, feeling himself more dizzy when Kihyun lifts his head up with a bit of force.

Kihyun is inches away, studies Changkyun intensely. The anger on his face is deliberate, he bites his bottom lip harsh.

“Changkyun come on.” Kihyun slowly pulls him on his feet and make him lean on himself. “We need to go to the hospital.”

“Can’t we just talk?” Changkyun sighs.

“We will talk but not now. Later.” When Changkyun can’t take a step Kihyun throws his hands under his legs and holds him in his arms. “I have no intention to let you go. Not anymore.”

“Okay.” Changkyun places his head to the elder’s shoulder. Kihyun soothes him. Changkyun feels safe.

They can talk later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so in the air so I had to give Jae and Changkyun a more proper confrontation.  
> I didn't mean it to end bad but Jae is a bit aggressive person so you could just guess it from his early behaviours actually so it's not a surprise. Changkyun seems really conflicted with his mind and heart because they both pull him in different ways.  
> Let's hope him to end up at Kihyun's door lol  
> So what do you think?  
> Tell me tell me te-te-te-te-te-te tell me!!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear changkinators!!  
> For the sake of our changki vlive today I'm giving this chapter as a present lol (sorry minhyuk baby you were there but let's admit it was like a changki vlive lmao the drought ugh)
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos!!  
> I try to be true to real life in this story so the things Kihyun and Changkyun say and behave are exactly the way I'd behave.  
> So have fun and tell me what you think~~~~

“It was really nice for you to tell nurse that I was drunk. Thank you, I really enjoyed feeling all that pain as she treated my wound.” Changkyun rolls his eyes to the elder, trying to ease the tension in the air. He hopes to make those angry lines on Kihyun’s forehead go away.

Well, it doesn’t work enough.

Kihyun looks so pissed. He doesn’t even try to conceal it like he always do. Changkyun doesn’t want him to do anything he can regret later and Kihyun may do things he will regret later if he leaves Changkyun but Changkyun doesn't think he will leave. And he doesn't want Kihyun to leave. Not now when he has a chance to make things up, patch their wounded relationship. So yes, Changkyun wants to stay with him.

When they go out of the hospital, Changkyun takes a deep breath from chilly night air. The sky is dark, so dark even the stars don’t shine. He slightly shivers and remembers that he didn’t wear anything on his transparent shirt. Looking good is vital but not getting sick is more important, he should tell this to Minhyuk next time when he dresses Changkyun up.

Kihyun notices Changkyun wrapping his arms around his middle and wordlessly takes off his coat, putting it around Changkyun’s shoulders. Changkyun feels warmer with the gesture and coat and Kihyun’s smell ease the throbbing sense at the back of his head. He doesn’t object or try to give the coat back, he knows the elder will insist and not accept it anyway. Besides he feels really chilly and coat keeps him warm. The hour is late, it’s almost 4 am in the morning. They’ve been at the E.R. for almost an hour if Changkyun is not wrong. He may be wrong too, he didn’t check the time when Kihyun drove Changkyun to the nearest hospital. Kihyun helped Changkyun walk inside, even though he was perfectly capable of taking steps but he didn’t say anything. He liked the way Kihyun treat him like he’s a baby. So he had a hidden, stupid smile on his face as a nurse lead them to beds in E.R. When doctor came Kihyun informed them about what happened and stayed next to him as they treated the younger’s wound. Doctor said it’s nothing too serious, so they didn’t stich the wound but they patched it up. Nurse was going to sedate Changkyun but Kihyun told her that he consumed alcohol and that moment Changkyun considered why he's in love with this guy. It hurt a lot when nurse cleaned the wound but Kihyun held Changkyun’s hand as she did her job. Changkyun’s heart melted. He felt like a teenage in love. Stupid but in love.

Changkyun looks around. The street is calm, probably because it’s late. He feels awkward just standing there, not saying anything to Kihyun because his face looks so stiff. Changkyun can see he is thinking about what to do with Jae but he doesn’t wish to deal with him anymore.

“Hey.” Changkyun calls out and Kihyun blinks his eyes, coming back to reality.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

“No it’s okay. I mean it’s not okay but I don’t care. There is this throbbing sensation at the back of myhead. Maybe I’ll feel better if I get some sleep.” Changkyun tilts his head towards his shoulder, yawning.

“No you can’t sleep. You gotta stay awake for a while.” Kihyun takes a step closer, shaking his head. Changkyun feels hands on his face tilting his head up. He opens his eyes to see brown orbits looking at him. His heart flips. No matter how many times he sees that color, his heart reacts.

Changkyun knows he can’t sleep because the doctor advised him to stay awake at least for 12 hours. His wound may not be something important but this is a head injury and they should be careful just in case. He also knows Kihyun is worried about him but he doesn’t want to see this sadness and worry in his eyes.

“So you want to talk.” Changkyun clears his throat, changing the subject and hopes it will take Kihyun's mind off from Jae. It works but Kihyun takes his hands back. Changkyun misses their softness immediately.

“Should we go somewhere? Somewhere we can talk comfortably?” Kihyun asks.

Changkyun lets out a breath and thinks for a second. They can go to a cafe but it’s late and they won’t have enough privacy in a public place. Staying outside is another option but the weather is a bit cold for Changkyun’s liking. He can’t take Kihyun to his own house because Jooheon is there and Changkyun knows the elder will keep bothering them. He may even call Minhyuk and Hyungwon and invite them. And Changkyun is pretty sure they will come running. He can even imagine them, ears glued to Changkyun’s room’s door, trying to listen. So scracth that idea. The only option left is Kihyun’s house. It’s a good choice. They can be alone, no one will bother them and they can just talk.

“How about your house? We can go there.” Changkyun grasps the jacket around his shoulders more. Does the air gets colder or Changkyun feel like it? Kihyun nods, reaching up to hold Changkyun's shoulders with his hands, rubbing them to warm him up. Changkyun’s heart warms up too.

“I was going to suggest there but I didn’t want to lead you. Okay, let’s go.” Kihyun holds Changkyun’s hand and walks him to his car. Changkyun let’s the elder pull him, he doesn’t say anything as Kihyun helps Changkyun get in the car. Kihyun closes the door and walks to driver’s seat.

They don’t talk much on the way. Silence doesn’t feel weird between them. Changkyun doesn’t feel awkward, he just feels sleepy. Now that he sits on the comfortable seat, he feels how his muscles are crying. His body is tired from all that adrenaline. He wishes to take a quick nap but Changkyun can’t lean his head to the back because it hurts but he can’t just fight with Mr Sandman, his eyes are heavy. He closes them for a moment but opens them right on when he feels Kihyun’s hand slide in his hand and squeeze it firmly as a warning.

“Don’t sleep.”

Changkyun’s heart starts to beat faster. He doesn’t feel sleepy anymore. “Okay.” The younger replies.

Changkyun blinks his eyes, feeling more awake as his eyes stuck on their intertwined hands. Kihyun’s hand envelopes his hand in a warm hold. It feels good. Causing sweet feelings spread into Changkyun's chest. His hand fits with Kihyun’s. It just fits. Changkyun remembers thinking how his and Jae’s hands never fit together. Jae’s hands were big and Changkyun felt small when he held the younger’s hand. With Kihyun however Changkyun feels normal. Their hands are almost at the same size, Kihyun has a bit lean fingers but they perfectly clasp Changkyun’s. His hands are soft but firm. And his hands are always warm. And they make Changkyun feel warmer. Maybe because he is used to them and their hotness but they never held hands like this before. Kihyun was clasping their hands together during sex sometimes but that doesn’t count as hand holding. Hand holding is a bit different. It gives a more intimate feeling to Changkyun. Clasping hands together during sex is intimate too, yes, but it’s more like physical thing not an emotional thing. So Changkyun knows why his heart flips with just this small gesture. Because his heart was yearning for it. He wanted to have something other than just physical, he wanted emotions to be laced in Kihyun’s actions. That’s why Kihyun’s every little move made his stomach turn because he wanted them to be something more. He wanted them to feel more.

They reach Kihyun’s penthouse and go up with the elevator. Changkyun decides to sit in the balcony because he wants to watch the sunrise and the view is just breathtaking from this high. Once he watched the sunrise here, lying on Kihyun, head on his chest and their limbs tangled  together as Kihyun stroke his hair. Kihyun’s chest was glowing with sweat and sunlight, he was pressing kisses to Changkyun’s head. It wasn’t cold because Changkyun was wrapped by warm, assuring arms. It was the best sunrise Changkyun ever saw.

Changkyun shakes his head to disperse his old memory. The balcony is covered with glass so it cuts the wind but still it’s cold. Kihyun comes next to him with a blanket on his arm and two cups in his hand. Changkyun sits down taking one cup and Kihyun puts the blanket on his knees, he sits next to the younger. His hair looks a bit messy and Changkyun’s fingers itch to touch them. He wants to feel their softness.

Instead he turns to look at the view. The sky is really dark, sun will be up soon. Changkyun didn’t open the lights because there will be light in minutes anyway. What’s the point?

And besides he always sees Kihyun, no matter how dark it is.

“So…” Kihyun clears his throat. “I want to talk.”

“About?” Changkyun lifts his eyebrows. He knows what Kihyun wants to talk but still he wants to hear him say it.

“About you and me.”

Changkyun purses his lips and nods. He takes a sip from the cup and it’s coffee. Normally Changkyun doesn’t like bitter things but he likes this coffee. It has a sharp flavour but also it tastes sweet. Kihyun must have put some sugar in his cup.

“Without hiding anything. I will be honest and you will be honest.” Kihyun says with a serious expression.

Changkyun nods. He likes that. He doesn’t want to fake it anymore. He wants to get rid of this heavy pressure on his chest and every feeling that comes with it.

“Okay.” He replies. He takes another sip from his tea. So good. “I’ll start. I broke up with Jae. More likely it was a mutual agreement but it did end a bit more bad for me. I think this proves it.” Changkyun shows the back of his head and shrugs. Kihyun’s expression flashes an anger. But it turns something more soft a moment later. Changkyun recognize it as regret.

“I’m sorry it ended this bad. I… I mean I wanted to follow you and I did follow you but I just saw you going out from the back door. And then I stopped. I didn’t want to interfere your talk with him, I respect your decision and wish to talk with him alone so I waited for you to come back but it just took too long. I wanted to check on you and you were sitting in the dark and then I got scared to see you like that. And that asshole…” Kihyun clenches his jaw as though he’s swallowing something bitter. He stops for a second, letting out a breath. “I can’t say I was rooting for you two but still I wish you could end this on much better terms. I don’t know why you guys broke up but I hate to see you get hurt.” Kihyun says the last words in a painful voice despite his cold expression.

“You don’t have to worry hyung. I can assure you the hurt is only physical. I don’t feel any heartbreak.” Changkyun says taking a sip from his coffee. Ugh bitter. He knows Kihyun did it like this to keep him awake but that doesn't change he fact that it's bitter. Anyway he looks at Kihyun as he sips his coffee and tries to measure Kihyun’s response the thing he just said. Kihyun lifts his eyebrows in surprise.

“You don’t?”

Changkyun shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”

Kihyun nods thoughtful, taking a sip from his cup. “I thought you loved him. You seemed like that.”

Changkyun puts his cup on the floor, somewhere out of his reach so he won’t accidently bump and spill the coffee. He straightens up and let’s out a sigh. He contemplates about what to say or how to reply Kihyun’s comment. His head is hurting but his heart is hurting more than 2 years and he wants it to be stop.

Okay. They said real talk right? Not hiding anything? It’s gonna be hard but Changkyun will do that. He will just say everything on his mind with honesty.

“No. You got it wrong hyung because I only loved one person for my whole life and when I told him this, he said it’s not love what I felt.” Changkyun replies him with a sad smile.

Kihyun looks at him surprised. The internal battle that raged inside him shows on his face. His eyes heavy with… guilt? What is that?

“Changkyun, I’m sorry…” He starts.

Changkyun cuts him because he just needs to let it all out and he doesn’t know he can if he stops. “No hyung it’s okay. I just want to let everything out you know? I don’t want to surpass anything are you okay with that?”

Kihyun nods, holding his cup with both hands. His shoulders are down.

Changkyun closes his eyes for a second. He bites his bottom lip. Okay. “Jae and I broke up because I told him I'm still in love with the guy whom I told him that I love him two years ago and didn't believe me. I told this to him. I didn't want to lie or stay silent. don’t want to shut up right now too because I’m doing that for two years and look where it got me? Right back at you. I’m still madly in love with you like I’m two years ago so I know why I feel this pull towards you whenever you are next to me. I know why my heart isn’t crying right now because it should. I just broke up with my boyfriend but I just don’t care because it was doomed to be over, right from the start. Because I’m still not over you and I don’t think I will ever be. I tried to stop. I tried to stop loving you but I couldn’t. When I couldn’t do that, I tried to cage my heart believe me. But nothing worked and I can’t just go on like this anymore. It hurts. And it hurts more because you are not helping. When I was back, I didn't expect to see you and I was shocked. You seemed like you didn't hold any feeling towards me but at the same time you were doing this things. You did this little things and that stupid tug I feel came back, only to grew stronger. You hold my hand when I feel frustrated, you give me your coat to keep me warm, you take care of me, you… You just do these and I feel good. I feel safe. But it’s scary hyung. It’s scary because I want to keep feeling like this. I don’t want to be apart from you. I was thinking about going back to America but I decided not to, telling myself that Jae was here. But no. I was just using him as an excuse because I wanted to see you more. I understand this now. I don’t want to go.”

Changkyun’s voice cracks a little so he stops. He feels like he is at the verge of crying so he bites his lips. He can’t look at Kihyun but he feels the elder’s gaze burn his head. Changkyun let’s out a breath. He knows what he wants. He just wants to stay with Kihyun. That’s it. He can do anything.

"I don't want you to go." Kihyun replies, his tone is alarmed but Changkyun miss it because he let's this words sink in his heart at the moment. He doesn't wish Changkyun to go. Thank God.

“So if you want, you can do anything with me as you please just let me be around you. If you don’t like me, it’s fine. I don’t expect nothing from you. We can go back to our arrangement two years ago. You don’t have to buy me things this time but you can do that if you want to and you can just have me. You already own my heart so I don’t care what happens next. As long as I’m near you I’m fine.”

Changkyun is stubborn but his tears don’t take orders so they roll down. Changkyun wipes out the tears with the back of his hand quickly. It went well, he thinks. It's liberating. He told everything on his mind and it feels good to tell everything to the elder, not just to some wall. As he talked Changkyun realized some of the things he didn’t even confess to himself. He wills to be with Kihyun. It doesn’t matter what title he will hold. He can be his sugar baby, mistress, secret lover. Changkyun doesn’t care. He just wants to be with Kihyun.

Kihyun looks at him, mouth slightly open. He digest the words that left the younger’s mouth and his heart sinks right down under his rib cage. He scoots closer to Changkyun reaching out to touch him. His eyes are soft as he card Changkyun’s hair slowly. He avoids the wound but it’s okay, his fingers eases Changkyun’s pain in his heart at least. Changkyun lifts his eyes to meet with elder’s properly. His face looks happy.

“Kyun I… I have to tell you something.” Kihyun squeezes his eyes tight for a moment. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything you went through, you are still going through. I never meant to hurt you.”

“It’s okay. What’s done is done.” Changkyun shrugs. It doesn’t matter to him now but Kihyun shakes his head.

“No it’s not. It’s not okay. You didn’t have to go through all this stupid shit if I wasn’t a thick headed, jealous idiot.” Kihyun replies.

“What do you mean?” Changkyun asks, confused.

“Changkyun I knew about Shownu. I knew you sold my gifts for him.”

Changkyun avoids his gaze. How did that happen? One thing Changkyun wish to take care of before anyone learns is known by the person Changkyun wants to hide it from the most.

“How?” Changkyun’s lips trembles. He feels more tear pooling in his eyes. shoulders slump down.

“I knew about him for a while. I just didn’t care about him until I heard about you.” Kihyun shrugs.

Changkyun’s heart feels heavier. It’s like somebody took it out and crashes it with their heel. Changkyun never wished Kihyun to learn about that situation. When he was selling the items in a pawn shop, he was consoling himself saying he will come back one day. He would get these back once he find the money but he never got a chance to do that. He feels ashamed and embarrassed like someone caught him on act. His lips are dry so he licks them before he speaks. “ I never got a chance to say I’m sorry for selling them. I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t want to do it and it broke my heart to millions of pieces but I needed money. Shownu hyung was in trouble and I… I couldn’t let anything happened to him. He is like a brother to me. My friends and I didn’t have enough money so in that short span of time, only this solution came to my mind. I’m really sorry. I hoped maybe one day I could repay all of that back to you. I’m just so sorry.”

Changkyun starts to sob, feeling really sad and can’t look at the elder’s face. He just can’t. Kihyun holds his chin, making him lift his head. Changkyun looks away but Kihyun cups his cheeks with both his hand, wiping the tears away.

“It’s okay Kyun. I don’t need money you know that. It wasn’t about the money.” The elder smiles but it’s a sad one. “It was about the feelings.”

Changkyun feels so surprised he doesn’t even know what to say.

“It was about my feelings for you that I put in them as I present them to you. When I heard you sold them, I felt like you get rid of my sentiments even though I never told you anything about my feelings. It was stupid for me to think that, I get it now.”

Kihyun drops his hands to his lap and holds Changkyun’s hands in his own. He brushes his thumb over Changkyun’s hands and looks at their entangled fingers as he talks.

“I don’t know when it happened but I started to notice. Sometimes you were talking or texting when you thought I wasn’t looking. When I was dressing up, when you were eating your favorite steak, when I came to pick you up from your house. It was fine at first. I didn’t care that much because we could have separate lives, right? But still, in time it started to bother me because I saw him with you a few times, hugging. I made Hoseok check his background and learned you two grew up together and you go everywhere together since you were little. I thought… he was someone special to you. I… I thought…” Kihyun bites his lips. “I thought he was your boyfriend.”

Changkyun looks at him shocked. “What?”

This time it’s Kihyun’s turn to feel embarrassed. He blinks a few time, letting a huff. “You and I, we never put any rules for our arrangement. I never asked you to commit yourself to me because you could ask the same thing from me and to be honest I wasn’t into it. You were pretty and I was rich, that was it. Besides it’s not how sugar daddy and baby thing works. Catching feelings doesn’t go well with money and sex. So you could have a boyfriend and not tell to me because you had no obligation to do that. That’s how I was thinking back than. Later I wanted to punch myself for not making any rules but there were a lot of water under the bridge.”

“Because you didn’t feel the same.” Changkyun tears gathering in his eyes once more.

“No.” Kihyun let’s out a sigh. “That’s the thing. I started to fall for you Changkyun. You were pretty, really pretty but also you were so bright. You were like a sunshine in my gloomy life. I wanted to keep you.”

Changkyun blinks his eyes rapidly, mouth sightly open. He can’t believe what he hears. What is this? A hidden camera joke? He snaps his head at Kihyun and he looks so sure? Determined. He meant those words? “You… You liked me?”

Kihyun nods and it’s enough for Changkyun’s heart to turn into solid stone and sit right above his stomach, painfully.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Kihyun’s eyes lock on his teary ones. He runs a hand through his hair. Fuck, he looks so hot. “Because I wasn’t sure. Think how we started off. Me paying you as I fuck you. How could I know what you think? I caught feelings but I didn’t know if you feel the same. I didn’t want to fuck up.”

Changkyun groans. He liked Changkyun back. He wanted to have him too. Why does he feels so relieved but hurt at the same time?

Kihyun swallows his regrets and continues. “Besides I didn’t know the details of your relationship with Shownu or anyone else. Sometimes when you left he would come pick you up, other people come pick you up. They would hug and I, I started to get jealous. It was like they were trying to take away something that belong to me but it wasn’t like that. I didn’t own you, I had no right to do that. And it was against the nature of our relationship. As far as I knew you were in it because I was giving you money and buy you things. So I decided to go on with the way it was. Then I heard you were selling those things. The things I bought for you. The things I picked up one by one. I felt hurt. I felt hurt because clearly you needed money and if you would ask, I would give it to you but you chose to sell my feelings. I thought like that. I came to see you but you were with him. And… And I got mad. It was stupid back then, now I know but I felt like that. A week later with no proper calls or text, when you came and you said you loved me, I didn’t believe you. I thought you came back to me because you ran out of money and you needed more. My heart was hurting so much Changkyun you gotta understand. I didn’t know what was what. I just wanted to end it before you or I get hurt more so I wanted to terminate our relationship.”

Changkyun groans again. He feels angry, angry and sad beyond his imagination. He wants to slap Kihyun, hit himself, do something. He feels so frustrated. He holds his head in his palms and ducks, hiding his face. Kihyun did like him. And he ended their relationship because of this.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Changkyun asks between his hands. The disappointment in his voice is almost grabable.

“I asked Hoseok to do some research and by the time I learned what happened, you were gone.”

“Because I got rejected. My heart was shattered.” Changkyun replies, lifting his head up to look at Kihyun. His face is full of regret and Changkyun knows he reflects the same expression.

“I’m sorry Changkyun-ah. I’m really sorry for breaking your heart but I was hurt too.” Kihyun has his hands over his face as though he’s in pain. Changkyun feels like he is in pain too. But also he feels relieved. He knows what Kihyun’s real thoughts and feelings now. Despite the misunderstandings between them he just wants to make things up.

“I guess we were both idiots.” Changkyun throws him a sad smile and gets a nod from Kihyun.

“Is that why you were prying around me until now?” Changkyun asks, turning his body slightly to him. Sun is starting to rise slowly, lighting on Kihyun and make his skin glow like it’s made out of pearls. He looks beautiful.

“I wanted to talk with you but it was inappropriate because you were dating with my employee. When I learned you were with Jae, to be honest I didn’t see any future for him and you.” Kihyun replies and Changkyun punches Kihyun’s arm slightly, not that hard but enough to make him flinch.

“You ass.” He gives the elder a cheeky smile.

“He wasn’t good to you Changkyun, you didn’t know how he was here. But still I feel sad to be right.” He caresses Changkyun’s nape but Changkyun knows he refers the wound. “I will deal with him later.”

Changkyun shakes his head. “Forget about him hyung. I don’t care about him. I care about us. Tell me what are we gonna do now?”

“I told you.” Kihyun holds the younger’s face in his hands. His eyes are reflecting the sunlight, most beautiful brown Changkyun have ever seen. “I have no intention to let you go. Not anymore. If you want that too, of course.”

Kihyun looks at Changkyun, fingers brushing his cheeks. His eyes wanders on the younger’s face like Kihyun is trying to burn the image in his memory. Changkyun likes what he sees. The affection he wished to see in Kihyun’s eyes, the soft and full of love look they bear. It’s all there. And it’s all for Changkyun.

He wants it. Of course he wants it. Like crazy.

“I’d like that.” He replies and Kihyun’s lips pull up to a smile. Changkyun wants to kiss those lips.

“So how about we seal this intention of yours with a kiss?” Changkyun smiles shy, showing his dimples. He knows Kihyun is weak for them.

Kihyun comes closer, almost enough to brush their lips together. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

He leans in and Changkyun catches the glimmer forming in his eyes when Changkyun leans towards him too. Kihyun’s lips are a bit cold when they touch to Changkyun’s, a bit chapped but they are soft and it’s okay. They will warm up. Changkyun scoots closer to him until they are pressed against each other as he slowly continued to drop tender kisses on the elder’s pink lips until Kihyun grows impatient and finally capture his own. The taste of him... coffee, love, affection, longing… Changkyun moans. Kihyun wraps his arms around younger and presses his body to himself more. It’s like he tries to keep Changkyun in his embrace. Changkyun obligates his wish by moving a little and sitting on Kihyun’s lap.

He puts his hands on Kihyun’s face, tilting his head to kiss him deeper. He takes the control and presses his lips on the elder’s in a bruising way. He arches against Kihyun, tangling his fingers in Kihyun’s hair as he ground his hips into his. Kihyun moans against Changkyun’s mouth and his hand grips his waist. Changkyun leans in more, grinding himself on Kihyun a few times more. His hands find Kihyun’s shirt and starts to open the buttons. He brush his thumb over the elder’s left collarbone until Kihyun breaks the kiss. He places a peck on the younger’s lips against his for a moment longer and then draws back and presses his forehead against his.

Changkyun pouts. “Why?” He asks sad. He didn’t wish for it to end. He was so good with Kihyun's lips on his.

Kihyun chuckles at the disappointment in his voice and pulls Changkyun to himself, hugging him real tight.

“We have all the time in the world now. We can do everything after you get better.”

Changkyun shakes his head, rubbing his cheeks to Kihyun’s chest. “I’m okay. I feel great. I can do anything. Just tell me where you want me.” He looks up to Kihyun whose eyes are glinting with amusement.

“I want you to be okay.” He replies and Changkyun places his head back on the elder’s chest. There is no use to object because Kihyun is just so fucking stubborn. Changkyun pouts, pressing small kisses on Kihyun’s bare chest. At least he is allowed to do that.

“What should we do now? Hm? Now that we declared that we are two idiots in love, what can we do to keep you awake? You know you gotta stay awake at least for another ten hours. What do you suggest?”

“Sex?”

Kihyun chuckles and his chest vibrates. Oh god what a heavenly feeling.

“You are always so demanding Kyun. But I said no. Other than that?” He places a kiss on Changkyun’s head.

“I don’t know.” Changkyun replies. He breathes Kihyun’s scent, it’s so good. “Let’s stay here for a while like this. Then you can make breakfast, I miss your divine omelettes. After that we can just find a series on netflix and I don't know, binge-watch it.”

Kihyun presses another kiss on the younger’s head. “Okay. Let’s do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?  
> Which show they should watch lol

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo talk to me what do you think?


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